My biopsy is in about a week, and I’m really scared. It is highly probably that I have precancerous cells. Cancer is one of my biggest fears. And right now, it’s really hard, cuz I feel so alone. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on my boyfriend, because he is dealing with a lot right now, and I don’t want to be a burden. But at the same time, I caught HPV from him, so I’m pissed that his idiocy earlier in life is leading to this. I don’t have any other friends to talk to about this, so I just bottle it up, which is not good.
I’m on SAM-e now, and it helps, but with everything going on right now, I still feel really anxious. We are in the middle of finding a new apartment, getting him registered for school, we are both working, and he is hurt right now so he’s crabby. I just feel like I can’t talk to anyone. I feel dirty and ashamed because I have an uncurable STD. I’m pissed because the damn Gardisil vaccine didn’t work (I got it before I met my boyfriend). I feel overwhelmed and there isn’t much I can do but wait til the biopsy and then wait for the results.
I know that when I wake up later this morning, because I feel this way, I will not want to get out of bed, or eat, or do anything. And when my boyfriend asks whats wrong, I won’t tell him because I don’t want to add pressure. I know that’s wrong, but he already feels guilty and overwhelmed too, and I’m afraid that if I push a little too hard that he’ll leave. (This is unfounded-he’s never even threatened to leave). I just feel hopeless right now.