I experience way too much anxiety…I just took a diagnostic test to evaluate where I am at with my anxiety and I scored very high on all dimensions of anxiety. Unsurprisingly, I got high on generalized anxiety, since I actually have a diagnosis for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I also scored high on social anxiety, specific phobias, and separation anxiety. Now I know, I know…I am not going to self-diagnose myself, but even my therapist, before covid-19, was trying to figure out what other types of anxiety I might be suffering from. I sadly had to quit therapy since the pandemic. I was receiving therapy for free at my college university, but had to stop after moving out of state due to covid-19. I have been unable to find affordable therapy since my insurance doesn’t actually cover for therapy’s costs…how tragic…
This has been an especially hard time for me because I was barely managing my anxiety while in therapy, despite having an amazing therapist. Now I’m left with worries crowding my mind, physical sensations left behind from being separated from the one I love, and fears for the future. I often take an hour or two to get out of bed. Once I get out of bed, I binge video games for as long as I can to distract from how bad the anxiety feels. Then I go to my online classes and watch the clock tick, minute by minute, as I wait anxiously for class to end so I can call my boyfriend. I get anxious when I am away from him.
After I call him, I feel a sense of comfort. Anxiety tends to stick around a bit, but it becomes quieter when he is around. My mind isn’t as loud and tangled in worries when he is around. It’s nice, though with any relationship, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and of course I can get a bit stressed out trying to manage my anxiety, my college course load, my relationship, and making sure I don’t project my anxiety onto the ones I love.
I wonder if the anxiety will go away once I can get out of quarantine and see my boyfriend. I have never met him yet…we are long distance…but it is worth it…he is worth it. My diagnosis won’t go away when I meet him, but I am hoping the relational worries and fears will improve once we are in person. Being a full time college student with anxiety is tough. It’s even harder when you factor in being away from the one you love, being in a house that discourages your sexual orientation, and not having any therapy or treatment to help you improve on your anxiety.
This has all left me being plagued with so much worry that I can barely hear the people talking to me since my thoughts are so much louder than the world around me. I struggle to sleep because my mind is always racing and always overthinking past blunders, and reliving resolved conflicts over and over till I am exhausted. Even when I sleep my anxiety gets to me since I often have nightmares of the ones I love leaving me behind. Sometimes I wake up anxious from a nightmare without even remembering the nightmare. It happens often; I go to sleep, I dream a dream that triggers me, and I wake up anxious yet without recollection of the memory.
Sometimes I go for walks to get out of my head, but the silent and calm winds of nature can’t distract my anxious thoughts for long, and neither can the loud booming music of my headphones. Journaling helps me to process what I am feeling, but it can still be so so so hard…I get heart palpitations and tremors in my hands when I am anxious, and I can’t wish the discomfort away. I have to accept it and embrace it
Needless to say, it has been a very troublesome period of my life with many trials and conflicts arising on all sides. I pray that things get better soon. My anxiety has been severe and very disabling, and I pray for the day that it all gets easier. If life is like a bunch of shoe laces, then my laces are all tangled. I pray the day comes that I untie the knots and learn to tie my shoes and get a move on so that I can finally stand up for myself and walk on my own two feet.