s difficult for me to say but lately because I had left M again After got back together for the holidays. That’s another story I will make a whole other story. But first let me get this feeling of my chest of the now. My chest beats so fast. Ever since me and M have broken up. Its been a whole month. Now I am slowly building my self up again. So therefore my heart is happy and at war with its self , if that makes sense. I had always wanted someone to share my life with but at what cost? I feel shallow and selfish and in denial sometimes. For example right now I am currently messaging 3 guys.
I feel as If I am seeking something and I don’t know why I keep leading these people on. For example D a guy who is a father but is single. Has a Baby mama and a kid. I have no Kids. He is so cute and charming but I’m afraid of what others might think because I do however know the lady he has a child with we were once friends in high school have a few good memories every now and then. We are 6 year past that though. I like this guy but he messaged me the other day. The only reason I messaged him was because he seemed interested in me, I was hopeful.
Then there T. We went to collage together. We have been intimate before, as in kissing, we had sex one time but I don’t think you can call it sex. Lol That story is to personal to share right now. maybe another time I will tell you about it. Anyways, We are texting right now we went out together as friends the last time me and marling were off. Annoying I know, he is fully aware of what is going on in my daily life. I can’t but feel like I can spill my guts to him but dont wanna seem like I want to be with him. I don’t have any real feelings for him but he has never said anything about how he feels about me. So because of that I don’t mind using him. Again I’m being impulsive.
Then there’s E… E is an Ex BF from High school. I loved him alot. And I thought he was fooling around with one of my best friends I was crushed. To be honest I might have gotten upset and blew up in angry about it that I hurt him. I don’t quite remember what was said it was so long ago. We saw each other the other night. We were both drunk however. I feel bad because we had some sloppy sex. You should know he was the Bf who took my virginity. I remember because I always wanted to make it special and in a way he did. He loved me I know he did. But I jumped the gun, hurt him back and ended things badly between up. I over the year tried to mend things but I think he was really hurt.
I don’t know what the hell I am doing since me and M are no longer together. I question everything. I hope when I start working I stop worrying about being on social media to often. Or have the time to message these guys back. Am I self destructing. I’m afraid of all the decisions I have made since now. I need to be alone. The bigger picture can’t be ruined by these guys. I have o many mixed feelings. I know what choices I should make.. I need to start making the smart ones.