what the fuck eh? my mind can\’t handle shit.  One phone call this morning is all I wanted to do… but I thought about it all night, even while sleeping, and it broke me down.  Crumbled me.  am i really this fragile?  apparently so.  I instantly revert into the "i wanna die" side of my brain (the left side that is, cause I can\’t stop analyzing).  But the phone call could have turned into action.   I may of had to borrow my brother\’s car (which is a big deal since he too has OCD and using his car triggers him to obsessively plan his day out and then he\’s really hard to deal with)  …  y\’know, as I\’m writing this I can\’t stop analyzing what I\’m writing and if it\’s actually true.  I\’m concerned I\’m not representing my thoughts correctly as I write this stuff out.  It makes me feel like "fuck this" why am I even typing write now.  I think it\’s a combination of ultimate nihilism (which his how I feel currently) and the weed.  Which reminds me, I noticed some people rate their blog mood as "high" but are definatley not stoned… isn\’t that kinda misleading?  I guess it\’s just a plain \’ol good mood?  Even if I was in the best mood ever I wouldn\’t describe myself as \’high\’    …but maybe it\’s just cause I\’m always depressed…  anyway, right now I am in fact "high" cause I just took about 5 hits from the new bong my brother just bought the other day from the corner store.  I actually slept way the fuck in this morning cause of all the stress about making this phone call to the Green Party campaign manager.  I\’m trying to bridge my gap to employment with volunteer work… so I contacted the Green Party at the beginning of the election and have offered my services (since I\’m already a supporter) but have already committed too much avoidance.  I\’m embarassed really.  But that\’s just "the tip of the iceberg" as the old folks would say.  As soon as I have a commitment of some type, my whole life changes and my heart beats differently and my stomache digests food diferently and my mind thinks differently and my brain goes to sleep randomly and often… which leaves me both fucked up and a fuck up.  I\’m felt like this for so long, but lately I\’ve changed my cognative ways and have embrased mindfuless meditation and yoga which have helped me focus on what is mentally healthy and what will get me through each moment and day.  Nonetheless I feel and big part of me is being neglected… and that part revolves around death and negativity.  My default emotions are extremely negative and more real that other shit I try to focus on… and it seems to catch up with me everytime I make some enlightening ground. 

And so, that\’s why I hit the bong after I rolled outta bed at twelve thirty.  Sounds like the good life but I\’d never choose it.  In fact, I don\’t even like weed… I just don\’t know what to do with myself in this situation other than escape.    I wanna make the call later today, but later today is almost here. Life just  keeps running from me.  My hands are cold from typing.  I need to heat them on the bong.