Bear with me for posting two blogs in a row. This has been bothering me for awhile now, and I want to let it out. I know it's ridiculous, so I try to talk myself out of it, but it still bothers me.
After that creepy guy bothered me at the library on Sunday, I started having sexual urges. My head told me that it was just because I was anxiousand stressed out and,well, masturbation isa stress-reliever. But it led me into obsessions, wondering if forsome sick reason I was attracted to thiscreep. I started being worried that if he or any other guy assaulted me I'd just let it happen because Isomehow want it. I even imagined myself going to him and agreeing to sleep with him. The idea ofmaking out with or sleeping with him will justjump into my head sometimes. I know I would never do this. I've never hadsex and don't intend tountil I'm married. And even if Ididever decide to put outfor someuncharacteristic reason, why in the world wouldit be forsome idiotic creep who is obviously a predator?
And of course, when I start thinking about the whole incident, it stresses me out again, so once again, the sexual urges come on, which in turn, lead to the obsessions, wondering if I was somehow turned on to his creepiness or something.
This isn't easy for me post here. I try to keep sexual things private. But I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else out there is going through this sort of thing.
I don't know if it can be defined as textbook paraphilia or not…maybe it's just acompulsion that happens to be sexual. For years, I thought I was a sicko whohad some kind ofaddiction to sex (notthat I think that those who do have addictions tosex are simply sickos;they're just people who have a problem). I thought thisbecause of my obsessions and my compulsions.
For years, off and on, I've had times when thecompulsion to masturbate isintolerably strong, sometimes when I'm in a public place. Other times, I just know I'm doing it in excess. I guess the reason why I'm telling you this is because it's something people don't reallytalk about, sohow are we supposed to know what is…normal?
Anyway,I've alsohad sexual obsessions for years. When I was a kid, I remember times when I would involuntarily start thinking about a guy's maleparts. I didn't want to. I tried to chase it out of my head. I thought it was a terrible sin. I didn't think God was going to be angry with me or anything; I've always believed Jesus ismy best friend and He just wants to help meand forgive me. But I always want to do what's right.
Sometimes I'll have intrusive thoughts of seeing people I know (usually people who go to mychurch) naked or close to it. Sometimes I'll have intrusive images of people I know engaging in sexual acts–especially if I hear that a woman is pregnant, it leadsto the image of her with her husband. It drives me crazy. I don't want to see it. Ifeel like I'mviolating those people byeven seeing them like that in my thoughts.
In more recent years, I've had intrusive thoughts of sexually molesting kids–sometimes images, sometimes just theverbalthought of it. I know that I would never in a million years do this! Sometimes when I tell myselfI would never do that because I love these kids, the thought pops up that most pedophiles claimtolove the kids, too, and maybe they even believe it.
Sometimes I'll have the "urge" to touch someone inappropriately. Other times, I'll have the idea of going out clubbing (which I've never done) or something and hookingup with some stranger. Sometimes I'm scared that I might decide to go become a prostitute and thatI'd like it, or that I might even like being raped. I've thought before that I'd have to remain celibate because I wouldn't be able to control my sexual urges if I let any of them out. I know that all of these fears are ridiculous, which is why I haven't told people before. Andit's beenhard sometimes to tell myself that I would never carry any of theseobsessions out when one of my biggestcompulsions is sexual.After all, that's not just in my head. If I'll go ahead and masturbate, what else might I do?
Of course, there is a huge difference between masturbating(especially as a stressreliever) and molesting children orselling your body on the street. But my mind won't shut up!Having OCD is like havingtwo brains–one that is logical andknows who you really are and one thatgoes on and on about ridiculous things, telling you that you should be afraid of yourself.And they're arguing with each other almost constantly.