Bear with me for posting two blogs in a row. This has been bothering me for awhile now, and I want to let it out. I know it's ridiculous, so I try to talk myself out of it, but it still bothers me.

After that creepy guy bothered me at the library on Sunday, I started having sexual urges. My head told me that it was just because I was anxiousand stressed out and,well, masturbation isa stress-reliever. But it led me into obsessions, wondering if forsome sick reason I was attracted to thiscreep. I started being worried that if he or any other guy assaulted me I'd just let it happen because Isomehow want it. I even imagined myself going to him and agreeing to sleep with him. The idea ofmaking out with or sleeping with him will justjump into my head sometimes. I know I would never do this. I've never hadsex and don't intend tountil I'm married. And even if Ididever decide to put outfor someuncharacteristic reason, why in the world wouldit be forsome idiotic creep who is obviously a predator?

And of course, when I start thinking about the whole incident, it stresses me out again, so once again, the sexual urges come on, which in turn, lead to the obsessions, wondering if I was somehow turned on to his creepiness or something.

This isn't easy for me post here. I try to keep sexual things private. But I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else out there is going through this sort of thing.

I don't know if it can be defined as textbook paraphilia or not…maybe it's just acompulsion that happens to be sexual. For years, I thought I was a sicko whohad some kind ofaddiction to sex (notthat I think that those who do have addictions tosex are simply sickos;they're just people who have a problem). I thought thisbecause of my obsessions and my compulsions.

For years, off and on, I've had times when thecompulsion to masturbate isintolerably strong, sometimes when I'm in a public place. Other times, I just know I'm doing it in excess. I guess the reason why I'm telling you this is because it's something people don't reallytalk about, sohow are we supposed to know what is…normal?

Anyway,I've alsohad sexual obsessions for years. When I was a kid, I remember times when I would involuntarily start thinking about a guy's maleparts. I didn't want to. I tried to chase it out of my head. I thought it was a terrible sin. I didn't think God was going to be angry with me or anything; I've always believed Jesus ismy best friend and He just wants to help meand forgive me. But I always want to do what's right.

Sometimes I'll have intrusive thoughts of seeing people I know (usually people who go to mychurch) naked or close to it. Sometimes I'll have intrusive images of people I know engaging in sexual acts–especially if I hear that a woman is pregnant, it leadsto the image of her with her husband. It drives me crazy. I don't want to see it. Ifeel like I'mviolating those people byeven seeing them like that in my thoughts.

In more recent years, I've had intrusive thoughts of sexually molesting kids–sometimes images, sometimes just theverbalthought of it. I know that I would never in a million years do this! Sometimes when I tell myselfI would never do that because I love these kids, the thought pops up that most pedophiles claimtolove the kids, too, and maybe they even believe it.

Sometimes I'll have the "urge" to touch someone inappropriately. Other times, I'll have the idea of going out clubbing (which I've never done) or something and hookingup with some stranger. Sometimes I'm scared that I might decide to go become a prostitute and thatI'd like it, or that I might even like being raped. I've thought before that I'd have to remain celibate because I wouldn't be able to control my sexual urges if I let any of them out. I know that all of these fears are ridiculous, which is why I haven't told people before. Andit's beenhard sometimes to tell myself that I would never carry any of theseobsessions out when one of my biggestcompulsions is sexual.After all, that's not just in my head. If I'll go ahead and masturbate, what else might I do?

Of course, there is a huge difference between masturbating(especially as a stressreliever) and molesting children orselling your body on the street. But my mind won't shut up!Having OCD is like havingtwo brains–one that is logical andknows who you really are and one thatgoes on and on about ridiculous things, telling you that you should be afraid of yourself.And they're arguing with each other almost constantly.

  1. fighting2win 11 years ago

    Beleive me we know you are a wonderful person and human being. And above all GOD knows that.You should not have any guilt bcoz of thoughts which are purely bcoz of ocd. Since we start analyzing  these thoughts, it bothers us. And also we all have thoughts coming into mind, all kinds of thoughts.Its the function of the brain to explore. But this Ocd traps us into overanalyzing the weird thoughts of our mind. 

    your thoughts and urges are no different or in excess, many of us have the same thoughts and do same things. We are not harming anyone nor we will ever harm anyone.It is the ocd that makes us to prosecute us for these thoughts and desires.We start reasoning whats good and bad and that we are right or wrong.Like an argument in the court. But there could never be a satisfying conclusion as we are the victim,convict,lawyer,judge,witness and everything else. OCD will always try to HOLD you on these particular thoughts only.

    So relax and be focussed on your treatment and please dont feel any guilt. Proper medications and counselling will certainly and definately control these ocd thoughts.

    God bless.Take care.

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  2. Geekgirl114 5 years ago

    My therapist used to liken this situation to flies getting trapped in a spider’s web. Your brain is the web, and the thoughts are the flies. ‘Bad’ thoughts are normal. They happen to everyone. When these thoughts happen, you should acknowledge that everyone’s brain is weird, the thought has no meaning, and let it simply pass through the web. When you start to overanalyse the thought, or read more into it, the thought gets stuck in the web of your brain. The more you think about it, the more entangled it becomes. What you’re thinking is totally normal. The brain does weird things and thinks weird things. You’re not a pervert or a weirdo. Hopefully this brings you some peace.

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