I'm a 32 year old man in the Armed Forces. I won't say what I do or what branch I am in but OCD is really starting to affect my life. I lead soldiers daily, been in combat multiple times in Iraq and Afghanistanand perform outstanding on the battlefield. OCD has never affected my ability to lead my soldiers or perform my duties but lately I have noticed my OCD "flare up" like it has never done before. When I was 16 a psychiatrist told me that I had OCD and put me on Paxil, primarily because I used to wash my hands alot and my parents thought it was weird. I used the Paxil for about a week and finally I realized that they were the crazy ones and stopped taking it. From 17-24 years of age OCD never even came into my life. Then deployment one starts, high stress compiled with being away from my family and it begins to start all over again. The hand washing andintrusive thoughts almost drove me over the edge. Then it went away again. Deployment number 2 and 3 are normal, no issues. Then during my most recent deployment (about 5 months ago) it all started back again. Intrusive thoughts and hand washing, like the damn hand washing will make the thoughts go away.
I have been on Luvox 100mg off and on for about 4 years. It worked wonders a few years ago but now it doesn't do anything. I recently stopped taking it because I noticed that whether I took the meds or not the thoughts did not go away. I took control back of my life and I had to realize that these thoughts are just thoughts and hand washing is a way of making everything better in my mind about the thoughts. Talking to pschiatrists never did anything. They always try to say that I have PTSD from things I have seen. And yes, I have seen things a normal human being will never see or want to see in their lives, but I don't have thoughts about war. That never bothers me. I am truly content with war because war is necessary, not only to maintain peace in the world but to waste tax payers dollars and bother useless countries that don't want us there. Some psychiatrists actually try to tell me that I don't have OCD, that is when I get up and walk out, especially since I have done enought research to know the signs, symptoms, diagnosis', and treatments.
I always thought that OCD was a punishment from God for things I have done. I was a great kid, anhonor student, an athlete, everything you would want in a child. But somewhere along the line something changed and my life has been upside down ever since. People that "know" me and are close to me always say that I am being punished things I have done in my life.Maybe I should take them off of Facebook? I sure wish I could cut a deal with God but I have come to realize that maybe he has a sense of humor and likes to see things play out on their own. Still I pray every night to make this go away but it never does. The OCD calms down when I stay busy, but we all know that there is a still calm just before the storm, more like a tsunami or a hurricane.
Does anyone have any suggestions on beating this disorder? I sure do hate losing, and I refuse to lose a battle with myself.