Sometimes I get this fear of being seen.
Passing down the street or sitting on a bus, just wondering how can I turn myself invisible.
I feel more aware of my skin, my flaws and existence. Wondering how should I pose, walk or what face expression wouldn’t be too awkward.
I can talk to a stranger, with a smile and polite. But once I finish the chat I can’t stop thinking about the conversation. Will the stranger remember me vaguely or forget? Both options terrifying, because that means he has and image of me that I can’t control.
Has anyone ever felt like this? I’ve been hiding away when I am around my small village, only going out when it’s dark. But sometimes I can’t, and people see me. Maybe they don’t even know who I am or were too busy to notice, but I wish I can always control what people see and how I look.
It’s just so overwhelming. As if anyone who can see me takes away part of me, like a personal private part with their bare eyes.
I’ve felt something like this before. I hold on to memories too much. My memories are of embarrassing moments. I can feel those feelings when I think about them. If I tell them to people who are there, they would probably never remember, but I always think to myself if they remember my insecurity of those moments. All I can say is, don’t worry about things you can’t control. Just know that you are trying your best, and that you did what you can to be a very nice person.