life is pretty sucky. not that i just came to this realization. i’ve known life was sucky since i was first bullied, since i came out to my mom, since my brother and i were separated since i found out about my stupid disorder. i hate myself and i hate how i make myself feel. i feel ugly, gross, and disgusting. i miss my friends from my others schools, and i the only friends i have now, im banned from seeing. luckily i was able to hang out with two of them yesterday, and as fun as it was it made the loneliness in my body so much worse than it was before. i want to scream, i want to cry. i had the first hug yesterday that i have had in almost a year. he held me close and stroked my hair like he knew i was hurting. he wouldn’t let me go even after i tried to pull away. we just sat there, and after awhile i started to cry. i cried into his sweater and he didn’t pull away. he just stood there and held me like it was the last time he was going to see me. i wish every hug felt like that. but never have i hugged someone and just cried. i went to sleep yesterday wanting to scream into my pillow. i went to sleep yesterday wanting to cry into his sweater again. i went to sleep yesterday trying to keep myself warm from the coldness that was inside me. i’ve never cried in front of someone, i was always scared to, but he just held me. he just held me like the world didn’t exist. i know this is a lot to be typing about one stupid hug, but that hug made me feel so many emtions at once. guys. i want a hug. one that makes me feel like that.

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