Please don't scroll down and read if you are feeling very low as it may be a trigger but I need to let this all out somewhere.
My mood has slowly been slipping over the last couple of weeks and last night things came ahead with my partner he as usual pestered me for more and more beer in 24 hours he has drank 36 cans of beer.
I couldn't handle the arguments anymore I couldn;t handle myself anymore I failed him I couldn;t support him anymore I tried but I failed.
I went onto auto pilot and I started slitting my wrists the blood spurted everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE I hit a vein.
I ten cut my legs to pieces. I just sat on the edge of the bed blood pouring every where. Suddenly I came out of this auto pilot and thought 'oh that is a lot of blood I need something to stop it' I staggered to the bathroom and collapsed and sobbed and sobbed.
My partner came home and phoned a ambulance he shouted at me I shouted back. The paramedics came and covered my wounds.
I was taken by ambulance to hospital where I sat in a wheel chair for an hour with no one saying anything not even the paramedics said goodbye to me. I felt like no one cared. I was eventually seen by the out of ours mental health team they spoke for five minutes to me then one of them covered my woulds and gave me butterfly stitches on my wrists rather than wait for a dr.
I had no way of getting home as no money and 7 miles from my home so they paid for a taxi. I sat and waited an hour for it to turn up.
I got home and my partner had gone round toa neighbours house as he couldn;t cope and they were there when I got back.
He shouted some more when we went to bed. Told me I should be sorry as i sobbed saying sorry.
I FAILED once more…..
You have not failed, your just terribly stressed and upset. I'm sorry, but 36 cans of beer in 24 hrs is not a good sign. I think your partner needs help with his drinking, but your not to blame. Ok? you are not to blame you must realise this, it's very important. Your partner and you won't have a good relationship if he keeps drinking so much, it's not good for his wellbeing or yours. Try not to feel like it's all up to you all the time, he needs to want to change and be prepared to work at it for his future and yours. Please try and become involved in healthy outlets for stress. I myself have awful problems and the way I try to deal with stress is read loads of self help books and walk for miles in safe areas where there is nature or water like river or beach. Take care of yourself and breathe calmly: 4 seconds inhale and seven seconds exhale while telling yourself you are doing the best you can . Take care of yourself. You are deserving of happiness and you matter in this world, we all do.
You failed at nothing. I am impressed that you were able to notice that your cutting was soemthingthat happened when you arent mindful. Great insight! I am so sorry you had so much pain.
Please do not see this as condescending; it is easier for me to write my feelings and thoughts as they roll out of me.
Sweetheart you cannot fail someone whose life is not your responsibility. Your partner is no more responsible for your life then you are for his. You are responsible for you and you alone. In life, we make the choice to “share” ourselves with another, not take responsibility for them. When we do feel their life is what makes us who we are then it is time to look into co-dependency workshops and self-help.
My heart hurts that you feel so much inner pain that you feel you have to harm yourself physically, but we all have our ways of coping. Some not as visible as others.
I took my inner anguish and placed it outside my body, the spider on my hand in the picture I use. It takes up far less space outside my body than it did inside.
Keep strong, keep blogging to find the path to the anguish so that you can manage it.