This pattern has been repeating in my life and it has discouraged me to even further deepen my relationship with other people. I had even somewhat detached myself from my family and other people whom I know fearing I might develop thoughts which might endanger both them or me. I try to avoid conflict as much as possible but whenever my roads are cut off or there is no where for me to run, I usually fight head on. It is a situation I don't wanna be in as I lose all sanity and become a mere puppet of my emotions. My sadness, happiness and even failures seem to create their own visage of a darker me. It has always been my reason for leaving them behind as I go on and create an alternate world to heal wounds which never had existed. I always believed my existence could never be supplemented by anyone except me but what my existence is about is usually another story. I try to make some meaning in my life or create a purpose for me to live but i find it heartbreaking that I usually thread on the road I follow alone with no friend or foe. I know this is a life I must face if I want to preserve the little pieces I have left. I love myself but I hate my life. I love everything around me but I hate how they hate me.
Ever since I was a child I know what was happening around me, compelling me to drive through or push myself into the ground. I had no real reason for living anymore. I always had dreams for other people but I never had a dream which I can call my own. I do things just to get attention but yet they never notice or just brush it off. Its probably these reasons that I had become to detached from anyone. I can't even feel an attachment from my family and it has been a while since I talked to my friends not that I even had any. After someone close to me died and it was my pet cat. I was there unable to do something it made me feel sadder and sadder everyday knowing I lost a comrade and a friend who would give me hugs. It was on those moments that I began justifying my existence and everyday I would give myself different reasons for living. I might come to a point I could no longer supplement myself and I will finally detach from everything I came to know. The things I used to love are bad memories I fear to go back to, knowing I could no longer find happiness on the ashes. The things I learned to hate as turned and melted and now I hate myself more. The things which made me a person with a unique personality has exploded and I no longer feel I am any different.