This is actually the third time I wrote this blog post and deleted it without posting it. Every time I try, I am struck by how fucking stupid it all sounds and I don’t post it. I’ve got momentum now, so we’ll see what happens…

I’m finding it extremely difficult to trust other people as of late. My girlfriend left me a few months back and I’ve been doing alright in the regard, so well in fact that I figured going out on a few dates with an old friend of mine wouldn’t hurt. Well, things got going very fast and we’re currently seeing each other, though in a very casual sense. It’s not that I want another long term, committed relationship, but I’ve noticed that I have a lot of trouble thinking of her hanging out with our other friends (including my Ex). Trust was so important in my last relationship, I told her everything. I gave her a window into my depression which really no one else has seen (my analyst being the obvious exception). Who knows if it overwhelmed her, as I suspect, or if some of the other reasons she gave for leaving are actually the truth. All I know is that I was in a very vulnerable space with her. I told her things I’ve never said out loud and she promised to accept me, in spite of them. Now that she’s gone, thought, I can’t know if she’ll tell anyone. It would be very easy for her to do. Let it slip after a drink or two, laugh about it with her friends, our friends, make it seem like I’m crazy or that my illness drove us apart, or that I had crazy expectations of her. I don’t trust her not to tell anyone. How can I? I trusted her when she told me that I was safe with her, when she told me that she loved me and that she would never hurt me. But all those were lies, so how can I trust her? And how can I trust my friends, our friends? She sees them more than I do and sometimes that makes a big difference. I can imagine them all, hanging out and drinking, she telling them all my secrets and hating me for who I am. I can see my current partner there, laughing along and thinking how fucked up I am and that she’ll break off whatever it is we have as soon as she can. I can’t trust what my current partner says to me, and that breaks my heart….

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