Hey there, whoever you may be. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this blog but I want to bring up something that I’m finding to be true for me. I find myself each day trying to chase the happiness of yesterday or the month before and maybe even the previous year like I use to chase my next High in my using days. Now yes I have but a mere 138 days behind me that I haven’t decided that the use of drugs was the solution to my struggles. Now that’s not to say that I haven’t found stability with my moods recently within the realm of prescribed medication under supervision of my two therapists. I also attend NA groups on a regular basis to keep myself in recovery because I definitely cant do it alone like I’ve tried many times before. What I coming to find now is that in the absence of whatever substance I choose to sooth and inebriate myself with, happiness seems to be my new drug of choice. Without that same feeling of overwhelming joy I find myself to feel miserable. Without surpassing the joy that I had felt that time before each day feels like the worst day ever. Falling deeper into depression I try to dig myself out and feel like I just cant catch a break. Now stepping back from it all I realize, its not the worst day ever just another day. Just because something wonderful dint happen doesn’t mean that the day has to be labeled with a bad review. I know that for myself I am my worst critic, when I mess up I gladly take all the blame and explain to myself that I was destine to fail because I just deserve to. I remind myself of every flaw and every mistake that shows me that I deserve every bad thing that has happened and was no others fault but my own. Now in a way that great that I own responsibility right? I guess, but that’s a heavy burden to carry. I know that not everything is solely my fault, but knowledge most days fails to help with the way I “FEEL.” I think that’s ultimately why I chase a feeling like I chased a drug or a high, because I want to “FEEL” happy. Sometimes I know that I’m happy or rather that I’m not unhappy but without that overwhelming feeling of happiness I find myself upset and empty. Anyway, just for today I will try not to chase happiness like a drug and allow myself to be whatever feeling that I truly am.
Nick
