hey. so this blog might be a little shorter since i'm sitting in the living room with others and i hear the tv, which all is distracting. i had a pretty good day i guess. i kinda think i have been blocking my life out as soon as it happens because i've been so thoughtful.  i got a call from my cousion in miami who i used to live with last winter when i was strung out and wanted to live. i was way worse off on drugs then, i mean i was dead in the middle of horrible addiction, shooting dope when i woke up and smoking rocks all day… it was after i left the half-way house because i wanted to get loaded and i kinda got stuck in a drug town, anyways she called me today. this might be a little confusing, but i really need some advice. when i went there last year, she helped me so much and it helped so much to be in a new envirnment and new everything. i love her dearly, as a sister. she and i bond in ways my sisters and i don't. she wants me to come back down there and live with her. the weird part is, is that i would love to, except my chicka will be coming home in 6 days and i promised her i would be here, and i LOVE her! i want to be here for her ya know. i have never been in love before and i know i love her… i don't want to lose her. but the thing is, is that i'm so scared man. i'm scared when she comes home man. i smoke pot the other day!!! and my clean date is alll mixed up ya know. i hope she won't be pissed??? also she's upset because i'll be staying here while she'll be staying at her parents. she doesn't want to be here because of the drugs around the house and i don't want to be there because her dad, mom, sister, brother, and sister's girlfriend alll live there and only one bathroom, and we would be sharing a room with her sis.  plus, i don't want to do that to her family ya know. i couldn't do that to them. but i don't want to stay here either? i don't know where to go? i want to go back home i miss it, but obviously that's not an option anymore ya know, i've had to accept my mistakes. another weird thing is that my dumb ass went to a pychic 3 months ago….everything she said came true….except she said she saw me moving to florida!? so that's lingering in my mind…how ironic? but i don't want to leave kristin. i love her and i know she loves me, but the way i see this at another perspective is that she needs to get better, and even if i do stay here, i'm not sure if i can live around here without a car….trying to go to work on the buses, and making meetings, and going to therapy and alll the mix ya know man? i did well at home because everything was in walking distance…. maybe i just have too much time on my hands and i'm worrying too much,eh? no clue man. anyways………. i was sittting in the car talking on the phone outside of a local festival going on, and i walked outside and of course, it being a festival, cars and people everywhere ya know….a little kitten runs almost into the road !!!! no houses around….what do i do….put the little thing in the car LOL and called and told my friend who was already in the festival… soooo pretty much all evening we bathed this little flee infested kitten….and got it some food.  i love animals… i have a cat and she does, and now we have a mutal cat lol it's weird because all there names start with a "J" hehe. so cute. anyways… i couldn't just leave it there man, it would have got killed! anyways….. i'm having a difficult time trusting people in NA around here =( new people, scared to open up ya know…. everyone wants me to go to treatment, but i don't feel like it…. i'm clean man….i've been to treatment 7 times and i know what i have to do ya know…plus i own like $25,000 in hospital bills from overdosing when my parents got pissed and took me off their insurance, which i don't blame them..lol anyways.. i guess i've been posting a lot of blogs, i feel weird about it. oh well. i'm done. i am a little depressed tonight. it's hard man…so hard….if there is anyone reading this that is having thoughts of relapsing, even a little bit, even if you tell yourself you are jus going to do it that one time man, it's not worth it. i told myself i was jus going to do one pill to calm down, and i ended up doing so many drugs that night because i got them handed to me man. sucked …anyways…. fuck this lol i feel like a retard. i'm pathetic these days. i am jus having trouble accepting everything . the fact that i am brokeeee ahh it sucks. gotta go. peace<3

2 Comments
  1. bethoney 13 years ago

    I'm listening….

    you're not pathetic….

     

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  2. CharlieG 13 years ago

    I stopped to check on a response to my last blog – Do you know me? Really?  And for whatever reason (there are no coincidences!) I clicked on your bolg.

    I live in Miami, and am getting ready to open 'Joy's House'  a sober house for women in my daughter's memory.  I am also the editor of 'It's all in the JOURNEY; a recovery magazine which is also dedicated to Joy.

    If you come to Miami, you are welcome to stay at Joy's House (if it's opened by then – just got the bank's approval, but there is NO drugs (even pot 🙂 ! ) and no 2nd chances – everyone will have to take random drug tests & if they come up dirty, will have to leave. I won't jepordise the other girl's sobrieties.

    With 7 trips through rehab, another one is not going to help you, you know that & I know that (from experience). Have you ever done the steps?

    All of them?

    Thouroghly & honestly?

    Because I'll tell you something; for me? That emptiness & lonliness that NO amount of drugs or booze will fill was mye soul's homesickness for God. And until I walked through what it was I tried so hard to avoid remembering,

    Or feeling,

    Iblocked that contact, and was doomed to stay on the treadmill of chaos & insanity.

     

    And we write because:

    What comes out of my hand is what's inside of my head;

    Because then it's over, forgotten, I've put it to bed.

    When we keep stuff inside of us it doesn't go away, rather it simmers; like water roiling to a boil. And that pressure has to come out eventually.

    Somehow.

    Writing, at least for me, is a pressure release valve. and I have tried to keep some pretty f*cked up shit buried – it never worked.

    I just ended up running around & around on that damn treadmill again!

    I invite you to read my last post: 'Do you know me? Really?'

    It's my story.

    It might surprise you.

    I hope it helps you.

    peace

    Charlie G

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