It's after 1am.  I'm looking for answers.  I really don't want to die,but I have had a good life, until now.  I'm gay, I've been living with a women for 11 years.  We have our good & bad times, but now all hell is going to break lose & I just don't want to face the music of having to admit a terrible lie.  This is my first time with someone who have kids & grandkids, they always want this or need that, costing us a fortune.  I'm use to only having to worry about myself & my needs & I've always been very generous, but these kids expect everything & don't think there have to give anything back.  Ofcouse it wasn't like that in the begining, it's like they come out of the woodwork & their mom is always helping them, taking away from us.  Now the problem, we have a home together, we put it in my name so there would be no kid problem if she passed away first, I borrowed against the house without her knowledge, we're talking about $133,00.00.  It's gone for one thing & another, I have made the payments, but she just didn't know, until today, long story short, I talked my way out of it, saying it's not true, but Monday she wants to go to the courthouse & check it out.  I can't face what I have done, I'm insured for $450,000.00, which will take care of debt & leave her secure (until the kids find out).  Anyway, I would rather overdose on xanax tomorrow night, leave the tell tale note, & all will think it was may heart because I have a heart problem.  I know me, & I would rather die than see the disappointment about my lies, the one think she hates most.  I see no out.  Do You?