Had a horrible weekend. I have been fighting this depressed state quite a lot. Ups and downs follow me daily. My married is rough. I am remembering a lot of painful memories. I was a very shy, quiet child. 4th of 5 girls. I was described as a very loving sweet child who wanted to please others. My parents were very old school and didn't spare the rod. My mom could be cruel and being the scared insecure child I was made it even more cruel to me. I can remember beatings when she was out of control. Saying such horrible things to me. I have somewhat managed to get past most of this I thought. But apparently not cause I married a man who once or twice a year has hurt me physically. Somehow making me feel like I started it. Still though I have been trying so hard to keep going every day. My relationship with my mom is better. She has mellowed with age and I understand she herself was a victim of an alcoholic father. But how is it one statement about my grandmother can send me so deep off the end. My grandmother being an old Italian woman off the boat had favorites amongst me and my sisters. 3 were favored. Myself and one other sister weren't. Well one past weekend my mom and some of my sisters were talking about childhood and what a sweet child I was. My mom then mentions how my grandmother told me when I was younger that she hated me. My grandmother died 30 years ago and I truly thought I came to peace with her but now I find this statement plus thinking off all the abuse I have gone through has sent me spirally into such a feeling of sadness and despair that I am questioning everything in my life. I am crying on and off for days now and feel so unloved.

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