For anyone who feels like a total fucken outcast in their community or in any group they wish they belonged to, this blog is for you because I sympathize. I hope that any of you who feel that way know that even if you are an outcast, there are other people who are hurting and suffering too. Like me.

My story would take forever to tell. But to make a long story short, I am an outcast in my community. I moved here a long time ago and I had my own thing going with an abusive boyfriend. One day I decided to get rid of the abusive boyfriend and join theater and make new friends. It was a turning point and a new begining in my life. It was one of those moments where you see the light shining and feel new hope.

Well for a while I studied drama in our community theater. I was doing pretty good too, and the most amazing thing was it was the first time I was in school and loved it. I was 10+ yrs older than everyone there. And at first I thought "I don't need to fit in, they are younger than me." Actually that was the smartest thing I ever thought in my whole life. But unfortunately, if you have ever done theater you realize, you simply can not do it without the rest of the ensemble. It wasn't stand up comedy, after all, and even comedians act and work with other people. There's no keeping to yourself in Drama!

So I had to work with people and make friends with the kids. And I did. I made some friends. I tried to ignore the people who didn't like me and vice versa. I am soooo much older, I can be the adult, no need to make waves.

But I began to have my same old depression problems and realized that my anxiety was not mixing well with the already fast paced moving nature of the theater. I mean imagine having severe anxiety and working in the ER? What a mess! Theater is not exactly the ER, but it is not a place to be zen either. The show must go on, as they say.

So after getting kicked out of a play, I realized theater was not for me but the irony is at that very point, I was bonding more closely than ever with some of my young friends. Some still hated me. They were just those kind of rotten people. GOD I see these SOME of them today in a community theater group and i wonder how the fuck they can still be there because they are such assholes. I was never that difficult but they hated me. Anyway, I'm digressing.

The worst thing I ever ever EVER did was get romantically involved with my castmate, Kyle. That's where he came from. That's where I met him and that's where it all began. And that for me is where it ends.

Kyle was 19. And either an excellent actor or very confused by his hormones or both. I was, well me, and all of that is a recipe for major disaster. Not for him though. Like he cared. He doesn't, we know that.

So in the end, I lost Kyle. I lost the respect of Kyle and allll of his/our friends. I lost my place in the community. I lost my mind and self-worth. I went through the same feeling as I did when I was bullied in the 7th grade. Pain, pain, pain and more pain. And no matter how I try to fix it now I mess it up even worse. Because there was never closure to it. When Kyle loved me the best of me began to come out and blossom, just in time for him to leave and disappear. Just in time for me to wonder how I could ever get better.

There is no getting better now. Four years later and I am a joke to him and the rest of this ridiculous town. If I'm supposed to do or be somewhere or something else I wish someone would show me. Because all I get is more ridicule. Sometimes they try to tolerate me, but the truth is, people are afraid of me and in the end I am just the crazy old woman up on the hill. I am nothing anyone can or wants to understand. I could have been something wonderful. Not a star, but something wonderful to that special person. But I guess now I will never have the chance.


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