Dear Tribe family and friends, as you know i celebrated 21 years clean last sunday. it was a great day of being with my wife and having her give me my 21st medallion. as some of you close to me know my youngest son just got done doing a 11 month state paid for vacation in a prison up in Alaska. i got a call from my daughter last nigth she now has 9 months clean but the purpose of the phone call was to tell me my son had just gotten busted at the sea-tac airport in seattle trying to smuggle 5 ounces of cocaine up to Alaska. needless to say his ass will be doing major federal time this trip.
he was 2 yrs old when i got clean. i certainly brought him up the right way the best i could. was always his baseball coach, football coach, karate instructor, living in alaska we always went fishing, camping and all the things a dad can do with his son. after talking with my ex wife of 18 years last night she tried to lay the blame of all this shit on me. as we as addicts know we choose the path we walk down in life. he had been to NA meetings many times in life as just a kid and as a teenager. he also knew right from wrong. well this time he is on his own. i can't do a f#@king thing for him this time. all i can do is pray for him and hope that he will realize that this is his last chance.
I can't say how much i love my son but he has made his bed and will have to lie in it for quite a while this time. i do not feel like a failure as a father, i feel i taught him right from wrong, tried to teach him morals and manners but i guess those lessons went in one ear and out the other. i am really pissed off right now. had a long talk with my sponsor this morning. talked with some of my sponsees today and tomorrow night we are celebrating my birthday.
I wrote this for newcomer coming onto this site for the first time. damnit you don't have to use. i have gone through hell and back in 21 years but i am still clean with no relapses. i have had many a good reason to go back out but something has kept me true to my NA beliefs. if an old junkie like me can do this so can you. you are not unique. you are not special, your just another doper making up excuses to use. when are your excuses going to run out? when is enough going to be enough? are sick and tired enough yet? i have posted over 170 blogs about recovery on this site do me the honor of reading them. just maybe you might find some suggestions that can help you find what i have found, and that is peace and serenity.
NA hugs,
JJ
Oh wow JJ I am so sorry about your son.. Of course we try to do the best we can as parents but the hardest lesson I had to learn from loosing my son is that our children are in the end just God's children like we are. It was in AA that I learned that God has reasons for everything. Like for example my son could have killed someone else instead of just himself that night 11 years ago … We can only accept God's will, even with our children, and at times that just sucks a great big one..
As horrible as this sounds and I am not trying to discount your feelings by any means but I would give my life to have my son at least somewhere here on earth….
Today It's just about accepting that our children also write their own story with God.. Psalm 139 helped me when it came to the "why's" a parent goes through with the whole coulda, shoulda, woulda stuff that can drive us crazy and have me drunk….
I stopped asking God why and learned to accept just like you described somewhere along the way. When I finally surrendered what was God's will anyway I began to heal..
Prayers for you and your family!
Karen