Finally, the static in my head and the blur of insanity in my home have granted me a much needed reprieve, and I can just exist for a while. I've never understood those whose emotional recouperation is facilitated by the company of others; every voice in this house is a scream that echos over and over in my head, every footstep is laced with the fear that they herald another intrusion into my sanctuary… and there are so many people here.

Today, finally, I've been alone. As the front door slammed for the last time, the silence that followed was the most beautiful sound I could imagine. I'm still not yet in my right mind; I may not yet fully understand the damage I've done to my psyche, and for all of my studies in psychology and pharmacology, I am finding the jarring, ambling journey back to reality to be the most introspectively fascinating "experiment" on the subject in which I've taken part. (Though perhaps soul-crushing or torturous would be more accurate descriptions)

That being said, sitting here in the stillness of my room, listening to all this beautiful silence, I can honestly say that for the first time I can recall in nearly five years, I feel centered and at peace. Feeling like myself again, if even for a moment, was an awe-inspiring relief… I can't think of any better gift for my two-week mark than the long awaited answer to the question which had been filling me with fear ever since I sobered: with everything else this cost me, did I lose my mind too?

Thankfully, it seems I just left my brain in my other head rather than losing it, and I look forward to finding my way back to where I am meant to be… For now, I'm just going to give my soul the nourishment it needs, and right now, that is to sit and enjoy my peaceful moment while it lasts.

Farewell for today.

1 Comment
  1. glines 10 years ago

    I am on the same page as you when you say, "I've never understood those whose emotional recouperation is facilitated by the company of others." With the company of your thoughts, however; I acknowledge that there are some individuals that deal with hardships more personally. It is difficult for me to explain my problems and expect someone to actually give useful critisism. I'm so cyncal toward people who express their problems so carelessly that I'd rather not be the hipocryte that deals with things by letting everyone in on my personal business. I find that when someone is being blantently honest and has no intention but to share relative thoughts, I can't help but to admire the truth that makes them so original. Your journey back to reality is very captivating – like you, I travel back and forth to reality by myself all the time.

    My room is my center of peace where all my thoughts make sense and what I feel is the only thing which reflects my identity. In the real world I feel like a different person than who I really am, and for you to say that you're time alone helps you feel like yourself, I can completely relate. The persona we try to convey to the public can be detrimental to who we really are. I don't want to intrude on your sanctuary, but just to say thank you for having something relatable to talk about.

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