Holy crapola this is gonna be a long entry- so much happened today!

I am really stressed out. Completely anxious and on edge and I just can't calm down. I have my first psychologist appointment tonight. It's with the fill-in guy because the regular lady is on annual leave (trust me to go loopy when the help is on holiday!!). I'm not impressed so far. The fill in guy has text me 3 times asking me to confirm tonight's appointment- I have confirmed it for 2 days in a row. I'm starting to get pissed off. He's meant to work in the communication field and he can't even communicate with the receptionists??!! Yeah, great, looks like I'm off to a wonderful start! I texted him directly and said "I have confirmed repeatedly for 2 days straight- I WILL be there". I wanted to finish the message with DICKHEAD but I thought that may not be appropriate haha. If only I had more balls.

I'll write more later tonight to say how it went but I'm not really holding high hopes.

I slept like crap again last night- probably my worst night yet. I couldn't get to sleep, couldn't get comfortable, woke up at least half a dozen times and couldn't get back to sleep and then ended up getting up 3 hours before my kids woke up. Needless to say, I'm buggered!! So bloody over it.

Still bleeding today but it's calming down so hopefully I'll be right for my Thursday appointment- fingers crossed.

On another note, I had to tell centrelink our new family income estimate for the year today. Was SO stressed about it. We haven't lost as much money as I thought we would but holy fucking batshit has it made our childcare fees go thru the roof!! I almost died!! We used to pay $130 a week for our eldest 2 kids to go 5 days a week. Now we'll be paying $275 a week for the 2 of them to go only 4 days a week!! That's almost as much as our rent!! I'm SOOOOO pissed off!! How the hell are families ever meant to get ahead??!! So now, instead of getting our childcare rebate paid to us every 3 months (a nice little bonus of around $1200), I'm getting it paid directly to the kindy to reduce our weekly fee. I hope it fucking works. I'll be so pissed if it makes bugger all difference.

My youngest had a good day today- he actually ate a whole bowl of cereal and then had veggies for dinner. He's finally eating again! That made me really happy. His paediatrician isn't going to be happy in 2 weeks if he still hasn't put on any weight- or if he's lost some. I think he is Coeliac like his sister. But we will find out for sure on the 18th.

I'm really missing my hubby again today. I just don't know what to do with myself. And I hate it that I don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. I feel like a pathetic co-dependent person. Aren't I supposed to be a modern, independent woman? Coz I certainly don't feel like it. It's just so hard only having a 10 month old to "talk" to- and it's not like he'll get it if I say "mummy reaaaallllyyy needs a good big hug mate".

Got stuck into more housework again today- holy crap I really am reverting into a 1950s housewife lol. Watched an episode of Packed to the Rafters but I didn't enjoy it today. The husband cheated on the wife and after all of my recent shit with the hubby about pornos/matchmaking websites, it just brought up all those feelings of betrayal and hurt again. Anyway, I'll leave it here until after the psych appointment.

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Well, blow me down! The psychologist was actually pretty good! He's funny, down to earth and doesn't make me feel like a headcase. He laughs at my jokes too. He must have a warped sense of humour like me. That or he really does think I'm nuts lol.

Had to give him the whole family history and depression history run down. Boy did that take a while. But, he made some connections for me which helps. Just silly little things that once he said them made sense, but that I hadn't thought of before.

I definately have anxiety disorders as well as the depression, which I suppose isn't much of a surprise given the way I'm always on edge and can't seem to de-stress.

My depression is due to my perfectionist issues. If I don't feel I'm meeting my personal expectations of myself, my self worth goes down and I don't want to live anymore. Yay for me. I always knew my perfectionist issues stemmed back to my biological father because if we weren't perfect around him we'd get beaten up- so no surprises there.

What I didn't know was that the importance of me having academic and career achievements stems back to my mother as well. Yes, academia, achievement and career pursuits were important to my father, but my mother's lack in these areas reinforced the message that I need these things to be worthwhile. When they split up my mother was totally unprepared- she had to learn how to budget, she didn't know anything outside of her home world, she had to go back to school to get a qualification so she could get a job- her life up until that point was that of a wife and mother only. Watching her struggle reinforced for me to NEVER allow myself to get into that situation. So I placed ridiculous amounts of importance on academic and career achievements. And this is where my problem lies.

This is also where my depression has stemmed from this time. I was in the middle of a bachelor degree when we had to relocate at the beginning of the year to be closer to the kids' specialists. With all the craziness of moving and drs appointments, I decided to see if I could defer my studies for a year. They wouldn't let me. My only 2 options were to drop the course and pick it back up whenever I was ready, or to stay enrolled but not complete any subjects for a year- but the cincher was they would still take a year off my time left to study. So I'd have to cram 4 years worth of study into 2, which is also impossible because they limit how many subjects you can take on per year. So I had to drop the whole course. Yes I can pick it back up later, and yes I'll get credit for the subjects I've already done, but WHEN?? I feel like a complete failure and I feel like I'll always just be a housewife and mother. The plan was for me to study while the kids were little so that by the time they started school I could start a new career with my shiny new degree. But that's not going to happen now. I'll be lucky if I finish my studies by my mid thirties.

I also found out that the flashbacks I've been having (from my childhood- arguments with and abuse by my father) from like 17 years ago are apparently due to my survival instinct kicking in. It's hard for me to explain it the way the psych did, but he said that all these little perfectionist messages I learnt growing up are associated with the memories that back up the idea that I have to be perfect to be worthwhile. So because I've stopped studying, my survival instinct has kicked in and the memories are flooding back to remind me what I need to do in order to feel worthwhile again (i.e. be perfect, study, be smart, have a good career- if you don't you'll be nothing). This made ALOT of sense. I just couldn't work out why all of a sudden I'm kept awake at night with memories that are so old and I thought were over with.

It also scares the shit out of me because I don't want to fuck my kids up the way I got fucked up. I don't want them to buy into my warped sense of reality! I don't want them to feel like they have to be a fricken doctor in order to be of value! And I can see now where my fucked-up-ness is affecting it already. The kids HAVE to go to a good, private school with room to grow and extra curricular programs to cater to whatever talents they want to work on. No, it can't be the ordinary, state run school down the road- that's not good enough. See what I mean? I know I'm not putting anything onto the kids yet but even I can see that my issues are affecting what type of school to send them to!

The psych is also gonna help me with my driving anxiety/panic attacks. He said the reason it affects me so badly is because it's a situation I cannot control. Yes I can control what I do in the car, but I cannot control other drivers, the weather, if the kids will sit quietly and not distract me, etc. That's why it freaks me out so bad- because I have no real control over whether my kids are safe or not. But he reckons he's going to help me with that, so fingers crossed! God knows I need help in this area! If I wasn't so afraid to drive I might get out of the house once in a while!

Anyway, long story short, it felt good getting it all out without judgement and without having to worry that I'd hurt anyone's feelings with what I had to say. It was weird at first- hello a complete stranger is asking my life story- but it was positive. I can see that. I feel a bit more hopeful now.

Appetite: bowl of crisps, pasta & garlic bread for dinner (made me feel sick)

Gynae: Still bleeding- light

Sleeping: Super crap! But I have new breathing exercises to try out so we'll see

Mood: Sad (missed the hubby), very anxious, but more hopeful after the psych appointment

Things that upset me today: missing my husband, the TV episode bringing up all those hurtful feelings, missing my mother, sister and niece

Things that I'm grateful for today: my husband, the kids, psychologists, bulk billing, evening appointments