Had all three kids home today. They all behaved pretty good actually. Was a bit of a shock. Normally they're really ratty because they're bored. Or maybe I'm dealing with it all a bit better. Who knows. My eldest two squabbled a little but they weren't too bad.
I didn't feel much of anything today. Probably becase it was so busy and I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off all day. I didn't have time to stop and think and mentally torture myself.
Tried the breathing exercises last night that the psychologist suggested I try. They seemed to help distract my mind from stressful shit which was good. Still took quite a while to fall asleep, but at least this time when I did, I stayed asleep, I didn't keep waking up fretting through the night. SO that was an improvement.
I have a gripe though. I'm really pissed off with my husband tonight. He got home from work and told me he wanted to watch the football game. I thought that worked out great because I wanted to call my mum and have a chat and footy doesn't interest me. This way we could each do our own thing without disturbing the other.
But when I came inside after talking to my mum I could hear funny breathing. I thought it was my eldest having an asthma attack so I ran through the house to check. It wasn't. It was my youngest sobbing because he'd woken up with a pain in his belly. My husband had rushed him on the bottle and then didn't burp him, all so he could put our son down quick and he could watch the game. He was mega pissed that our son had woken up and was snapping at me and biting my head off like it was my fault. So I changed his bum, got him panadol and made him another bottle. Then I had to rock him for over half an hour (normally he puts himself to sleep but he was so worked up it was impossible tonight) just to get him to go back to sleep. Meanwhile, my husband is still watching the game, doesn't say thankyou and continues to speak to me like shit while his head is stuck in the TV or his phone.
So I got ready for bed. I had a long day with the kids and just spent an hour all up resettling our youngest. I was in no mood to be around him while he was cranky. It just stresses me out more. So then he gets the shits on because I'm going to bed. I told him there was no point in me being up when he's shitty and has his head stuck in the TV or his phone. I'm not about to sit around watching something that doesn't interest me while he either ignores me or snaps at me. I'd missed him all day and then he comes home and barely says 2 words to me and when he does he's snapping. So then he yelled at me and called me a fuckhead. Real nice.
He just doesn't get it. He gets to talk to adults all day. Me? I talk to kids, I change shitty nappies, I clean up mess, I break up trivial toddler fights, I save lost toys, I get food, clean the house and cater to everyone else's needs. All day. Then I have to spend an hour settling our baby because he's too lazy to do it properly the first time and a fucking football game is more important. And then even when I get our son settled, my husband is still shitty!! I mean, what's the fucking deal? The problem is solved, I fixed it, and he's still not happy? Give me a break! I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. If I decide to leave him in peace to watch the game, I'm going to bed to early and I'm being antisocial. If I stay up and talk to him, I'm interrupting the game. I can't win!
He wonders why I'm depressed. I'm so over it. I just wish I could curl up and die.
Appetite: coffee, 2 disgusting samosas for dinner
Gynae: nothing all day then heavy tonight
Sleeping: breathing exercises helped, not so bad today
Mood: over it all, tired, sad, hurt, disappointed, suicidal
Things that upset me today: the kids squabbling, people not keeping their promises to call when they say they're going to, my husband being an insensitive, ungrateful prick.
Things I'm grateful for today: the kids, my mum