So for the past couple of months I’ve wondered why I am so reluctant to start living life. It often feels like I’m waiting for something to happen, like God will slap me on the shoulder one day and say, “it’s time to get to work.” 

Since I’ve taken a break from employment (it sounds so voluntary, doesn’t it?), I challenged myself to get a bunch of websites ready to build my portfolio and I haven’t really done that much on that front. I have spent countless hours surfing news and gaining enough superfluous pop culture knowledge for a PhD. I do spend a lot of time on Facebook, not even really socializing, but playing solo games of Word Twist and Scramble in an effort to break a meaningless high score. God! I just want to slap myself out of it and say, “Get back to work!” 

I would guess that some of it is a fear of failure and it’s so easy to excuse yourself when you don’t even try. I’ve learned all the right lessons when it comes to self-discipline and goal-setting and proper motivation, but I am a professional self-saboteur. I could spend weeks and months procrastinating simple tasks and letting OCD take over, even sometimes glad when it does as it keeps me deluding myself into thinking I’m actually working on something. I almost want to hire a drill sergeant to kick my ass every morning.

Ok, so it’s not just the job search and programming skill improvements I’ve been avoiding but also basic socializing. It’s a little harder because I moved back to my Texas hometown and I so miss Starbucks (or any coffee shop), Target, and gyms that are open later than 9 PM. Part of it is that I fool myself that I’d rather be alone, but the truth is I do fear rejection and do fear the social anxiety and repetitive thoughts that do make me seem absent minded sometimes. So now that I’ve written this out, even reluctantly, hopefully I will have a stronger will to avoid my typical traps and start laying out some easy milestones for me to hit.