This is my first blog ever as previously always avoided these for two reasons…1) paranoia, 2) my OCD as I would want what I say to be prefect but unfortunately I’m dyslexic and this can makes writing things down difficult as it doesn’t always make sense, so I apologies beforehand.
The reason for starting this tonight is because I have had a pretty shitty couple of days and just need to get some of my thoughts/feeling out before going insane or doing something stupid.
For the last couple of days I have felt under the weather, low in mood and today I had a migraine from hell (spots in front of your eyes, not being able to open my eyes etc). Because of this I haven’t done some of the things I needed to do around the house and this caused my partner to be really pissed off with me when they got home from work. I tried to apologise but this just wasn’t good enough no matter what I said.
After finally getting rid of my migraine a couple of hours later my partner asked if I would cut their hair and because I just couldn’t face it I said no. This did not go down well. Again I tried to explain that I had had a migraine all day and therefore didn’t feel up to it but the response I got was “well you don’t have one now”! With this I unfortunately got really pissed off as I have been asking my partner to make a hair appointment for me for over a month now and this hasn’t been done. So at the beginning of the week I had said that I would not cut their hair until I had an appointment to get mine cut and today while my partner was at work I get a message to say that I now have an appointment for Thursday. Because of this they thought that meant that I should cut their hair for them TODAY (well that’s how it felt anyway)
With that I decided that I could no longer be in the same room as I could feel myself getting more and more upset so went upstairs to lie on my bed. Doing this was meant to help me to make sense of what had just happened but I could just feel myself getting more and more upset.
I know I am probably overreacting but I don’t seem to have any control of my mood….one minute I can be fine and the next I feel like I’m going insane and everyone would be better off if I was not around. I just want everything to be (how can I say) perfect, even if that means doing things over and over again until I get it right. So when I don’t get it “right” this is what it does to me and I feel like such a failure.
If anyone out there has any thoughts/feelings about this I would be really really grateful
Thank you (in advance)
P.S Sorry for the rant