So, something I do rather compulsively is try and figure out my OCD. I know everyone tries to figure things out in their heads, but mine is a bit more…a bit continual…a bit all consuming. It's one of my many mental compulsions. I am always trying to figure out where things stem from…why, why, why do I have these thoughts and worries and anxieties…
Interestingly, I was watching a documentary program this evening on the Hajj, the pilgrimage to Mecca. It was so in depth, interesting, engrossing, and all of that. But, as I watched, I started thinking about my own ideas of God, religion, the afterlife, good versus bad…it was all swirling much like a whirlpool in my brain. And then, something snapped forward in my thought process…Something became crystal clear like the fog clearing from your car windshield.
I am simply continuously waiting for the proverbial "Other Shoe" to drop. I am waiting all the time for that doomsday occurrence.
I have no idea what doomsday or the "other shoe" are, I just know I fear them like a witch fears water. Whenever I have a "bad thought", I always shoot straight for worst case scenario in my brain waves…I'm going to be sent to jail, I'm never going to see my husband and son again, I'm going to be the town pariah, etc., etc., etc. When I was pregnant with my son, every little thing that happened, every little "hmm, let's take a closer look" spelled major danger to me. I worried incessantly from morning until night about losing my unborn child. And then when he was born, I worried incessantly about losing him due to SIDS. When I was in graduate school, I had horrid "bad thoughts" about how my thesis defense was going to play out. They were all going to stare at me like I was a moron and stamp "Dumb As Hell" on my thesis.
None of what I have "bad thoughts" about matters, mainly because they aren't me, but also because in the end it is just my fear of that DAMN OTHER SHOE.