L came back next door. She suffered a mild heart attack last night and today we found out she has Cervical AND Breast cancer. The irony is that she is 5'7", 90 ibs and looks like a model despite her age of 51. I guess it goes to show you that model thin is NOT healthy.

I felt so fat standing next to her. S was there too and I was like "Um hiii…." I always thought S was spoiled but it's not his fault, he is only 23 and he has bad issues with his parents' health. He does the best he can I guess.

But L was thrilled to see me! And she looks great her hair is beautiful, long and blonde. She is sort of like an unhealthy, skinnierversion of Madonna. So many things go thru my mind when I see her. Like jealousy yet why would I be jealous of someone who is so sick?? I think I am more jealous of her determination and independence. She is a strong woman who always finds men. She can fend for her self eventhough she is sickly. She is always smiling and laughing even after she just cried… I am not jealous in a mean way, more envious of her strengths, ones I could never have.

Heh. I just got back from the gym and on the way home stopped to get some chips and 3 little bottles of vanilla flavored vodka. Here was L in my livingroom almost having died last night (they had to revive her after the heart attack) looking stick thin and beautiful. And there was I coming from the gym, fat as a sow with my bag of chips and booze. We both have panic attacks and a lot of anxiety and I guess we handle it in opposite ways. She is stubborn and aenorexic. I am lazy and a fat over-eater.

I do miss all her emails and our conversations. I hope she will be ok. I can't imagine L dead. L is sooo full of life and beauty! She is kind of ditzy, but she's not dumb… I am wondering how this will pan out. I was always hoping her ex hubby would get the house next door (he is good friends with my dad) and that L will be happy in Seattle but will come to visit us at least twice a year…

But of course things will probably continue to be a mess…. I wonder who is in more of a mess, me or L… It seems on paper that it's L, but mentally it's me. And when you put us in dresses, I'm the fat pig. LOL.