I don't know what's going on in my life. I went to the bank and I had no money left. I didn't spend it ALL. There are a few hundred dollars at least unaccounted for, yet I can't find any suspicious activity in the records. Someone must have my card number again, probably got it off line and now I have to get another new card, second time in 2 months. FUCK! I am sooo frustraited and anxious. Why don't they steal from some rich person not someone who is dirt poor and on SSI.

I still have to worry about being able to get my meds. I am so stressed right now I am not sure what to do to keep myself calm without eating and drinking. Those are the only 2 things that seem to help. Working out just makes me tired and sore. I am going to go to the gym and stick to the program, don't get me wrong, BUT!! It does NOT help my anxiety or depression any. Most people say exercise helps, but for me it does not. Like I said a million fucken times it's the booze and the food and that's it. Otherwise I'm a nervous, depressed, anxious mess.

So I am planningon asking for a ride to the bank on Thurs to see if I have any money left, to see if any more is being drained from my account NOT by me. I know I spent a good amount but only HALF of what is missing.

I saw AB yesterday and it was weird after so many years just talking to him online. He is really strange but a nice guy I guess. I texted K to tell him I saw AB because they use to know eachother. I really just wanted to talk to K. I told him about my financial situation. He is so sweet. I just wish he loved me, even a fraction of the amount that I love him and I would be happy. K is truly a wonderful thing in this world and often I am stuck on how to explain it, why I feel like I do about him. I adore and love and worship him. Even a little attention from him can make my day turn around to the bright side.

It's clear that no one will be what K is to me. But how can he be anything if I never see him? I am going to die if I lose his attention now. I just need a little more time to get back into shape and I can see him again. If he disappears I will truly be at a loss TRULY.

Money is important to me, but it's nothing compared to the person I love so much. It's just crap and for me to say that is a big deal since I am very much into having nice things and a lot of STUFF… the truth is I don't need all that stuff if I had K I would not think a lot about material things. I'd only want what I need to keep myself looking decent, but not in excess.

Dad is coming home today. That always adds extra stress. I should be sooo happy and greatful that I have a great dad, but the truth is I am not. I am much happier when he's NOT around and I only see him once in a while. But since I live with him I see him all the time unless he is traveling which he just was. When he is traveling I write to him every day on email and I feel the love I should for my Dad. But when he's home he drives me crazy. Maybe that's not such an abnormal thing anyway.

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