Well actually I had joined this site last year..then I am forgot my password…oops..

    Anyway, I am just wondering if OCD actually can be influenced by place where that person live or not….

    As matter of fact, I knew my mom have an OCD too…so I understand if I got this from her too (uhm maybe ..) but, uh well…I think, as I tried to remember I wasn't that tidy..and a clean freak before I came to this country.

    I do always have worries…worry about this , worry about that.. worry about things that probably would never happenned, wild about worries…

I spent a year in Beijing for study,I was live in a dormitory and all the student are foreigners. And as I remember, my OCD symptoms never appeared very obviously. Well, cleaning my room everyday isn't so obviously isn't it? at least I never washed my hand very often at that time. 

Then after move to GZ, and work for local company, live in apartment with local neighbourhood….slowly but sure I am become a clean freak. It's quite funny, I though my husband is the clean freak, because he always complain a lot about things, " that's dirty, that's not clean, bla bla bla …..' even I learned to wash and scrab our eggs with soap dishes from my husband….

Then, the time was came…. I think it started when, I was pregnant and spent lot of time to sat in rest room in my office. ( cuz i had difficult time with my pregnancy and keep vomit ), Anyway, during that time, I found out that most people wash their hand before they use lavatory, but they don't wash their hand after use the lavatory….umpphhh…that's why I always use tissue to touch door handle…

Then,  I became very aware, I started watching people, their habits, and lot of things, then I started to know things that honestly i don't want to know….

Well, right now, after 4.5 years live here…I admit I am so fucked up…I can't resist to wash my hand, wash all my grocceries, and anything i bought from shop..even secretly I always wipe my son's books page by page, if it wasn't sealed when I bought it. I can't go to publich toilet without carrying bunch of tissue to cover the toilet seat, to cover the door handle and to cover the flush button. I soaked a towel with water & 10% bleach on our front door and asked our guest to wipe their feet on it before come in. I keep clean my son's hand when we go outside.

I am tired with all of this stupid routine and 'must to do' things….I am tired because I can't go outside without worry that my son's can get sick, because other kids poo and pee everywhere on street and garden. And I am tired because why I can't enjoy life as normal people, who never bothered by all dirtyness around them…

 But I couldn't resist it, even now, I am worry to take my son play in our own garden, because our neighboyur keep throwing trash on it, from dead cockcroach, rotten fruit, even bloody tampon and bloody condom…damn it….. sometime i do just want to pack my suitcase and gone…but well, I do love my husband,  I can't leave him alone here for another 2 years. well I think it's fair enough…it's 12.30 am, and he just finished moping the floor again to makes me feel better ….