Well apparently I’m unbelievable… Just beat me down when I feel good. Go on.. take your best shot… I’ll even stand still. Easy target. I have the red a white target mark on my forehead. Above where it says, " I have depression, and i’m not allowed to have anything good happen to me"….

I had to go see my probation officer yesterday. I was actually excited to see him, after all, I got into the course I wanted to study, I havn’t drank in 4 weeks and just was feeling good in life. The best I have felt in along time. I couldn’t wait to tell him about the course and about the not drinking. Well so much for that excitment. When I told him that I havn’t drunk in 4 weeks now, his words ( and I quote them word for word) "Don’t bullshit a bullshit artist, now how much have you had to drink?" I was lost for words. I have NEVER lied to this man, and all of a sudden he doesn’t believe me? I don’t understand. It took me 10 minutes of saying it before he believed me. I even offered to print out a bank statement to show that I haven’t been to the liquor store. He asked if he could call mum to proove my story.. umm HELL NO! I told him that mum had/has NO idea about my drinking. I have hidden it, and if he were to call her and ask her about it I would be so angry, and would never talk to him about anything again. If he is trying to loose my trust, its definatly working.

To make things worse, (as if it could be at this point) I told him about the course, and how I am feeling really good. Not just about this, but about things in general. I told him that my 6 free sessions with the psychcologist have run out and I don’t know if I need/want to get any more sessions. Well apparently that was totally the wrong thing to say. I explained to him that I haven’t been feeling suicidal for the last few weeks. I told him that some days I feel down, but geez everyone has that. I explained that I don’t think I’m "cured" from depression (as if there is such a thing), but right now i’m happy in my life and where i’m heading. He blankly refused my request to no longer see the psychcologist, for now at least, and wants (ie DIRECTING ME) to continue to see the stupid bitch. He said that it’s at the times when we are feeling good that we should see the councellors more.. WTF??? I honestly don’t understand. He is making things soo difficult for me.

When I start this course, I will be studing everyday, except for tuesdays, and now I will have to be seeing a psych and making time to see him, as well as do any study or anything that I might need to do. My one free day is now going to be full. He is not seeing my point of view at all.

To make things even harder, as these free sessions have run out, i’m going to have to go back to see my Dr before I start studing, so I can apply for more. I don’t think I want to see this same lady anymore. I don’t like her anymore. I thought I liked her, but I think that was just first impressions. Is it wrong to dislike a therapst? Is it ok to change drs? gee I hope so.

Another thing.. I told him that my friend was pregnant, and how I’m going to be there to support her, his reply " well don’t go getting yourself pregnant Jacqui, you don’t need it". Who is he to say what I do and don’t need. GEEEZZZ

So after all this, I have been feeling quite angry all day. I have just wanted to go crazy on someone. I finally feelt like things where coming into place for me, but apparently not. When is this crap going to end? Is someone with depression allowed to feel good sometimes? Are things meant to be going well? I guess not. Thats why this is all coming back to bite me in the ass.

I’m going to try and not let this upset me too much. Its hard however. I’m still going to do my course, and i’m still very much looking forward to it.

I had a dream last night, I was in a store, and I pushed into a line, instead of waiting. The man behind me pushed me down to the ground and started to stomp on my head. After he was pulled off of me by a security guard, I started hitting him. I got in trouble with the security guard, not him. So then I got really mad and started throwing things everywhere, and making a total mess. I was throwing products of the store out into the mall, and yelling that it was for free. Eventually the guards stopped me and said that they were going to call Matt (my probation officer). I started freaking out saying I was going to go to jail, and begging them not to call him.. I was on my knees when I woke up. There was still fear in me when I woke up.. Mixed with intense anger.

The only good thing to come out of yesterday, was that Matt said that I didn’t have to see him until late next month as a "reward" for doing "so well".. yeah right. don’t bullshit a bullshit artist  Matt. Go FCUK YOURSELF!