Shortly more than a month from now, the one-year “anniversary” of my daughter’s death will be here.  *sigh  Sitting here, listening to the hammering (and other repair work) going on, upstairs, as well as someone’s smoke detector (these things are so….sensitive…here), while looking out onto the water as the wind blows the ripples.  i’ve written letters, several times now, to Shelby, before and since her death.  i’ve deleted all of them.   Like so many times before, regardless of the content, i rarely keep or protect anything i have written.  Most times here, even, i’ll spend a half hour or more writing and contemplating, only to erase it all–on purpose or accidentally.  So many thoughts revolve around her.  No matter what i do or think about, somehow, i always make a connection with Shelby.  i suppose it’s probably a normal-ish thought process, considering.  It just feels as though it will never stop.  i really don’t know how to even begin the planning for her “going away party,” but, i’m sure i’ll get to it.  Besides, the whole point for even suggesting doing something like this has been so those who weren’t “invited” or allowed to attend the family’s get-together, will get a chance to share stories and perhaps bond a little over having known her.  

Lately, in dealing with relocating and all the work and stress entailed, i’m having a lot of trouble maintaining any real focus.  My thoughts constantly waver and become jumbled.  *sigh  Most days, i can’t help but feel like i’m just going through the motions and still have no clue as to what i’m doing, nor why i’m even still here.  i can see and reflect on how to help others–it’s never been difficult for me.  But, where my own circumstances are concerned, the constant maze of emotions takes over and my thoughts continue to make much sense.  i’m tired.  My body still is not cooperating, so i continue to grow weaker–at least in part–every day.  The ninth really feels like a long way off….but, it is less than a month, now.  And, today, i found myself–once again–exhibiting some more negative behavior from my past.  i know everything’s connected, considering it’s my mind and my body.  When one part breaks down or malfunctions, the rest is also affected.  So, for now at least, keep trying….keep going…

  1. roseee 5 years ago

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m not a therapist, but I can be a listening ear if you need to talk.

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  2. Author
    delane1 5 years ago

    Thanks, roseee. i appreciate that. ***hugs***

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