Just unsure about everything in my life. I was living in Alabama for the last 3 years & I moved back to Washington 3 months ago.. I thouhgt I hated Alabama.. I thought Washington was the place for me to be.. Now I'm not so sure.
I hate my job here. I work at Safeway in the Starbucks kiosk. I should be thankful to have a job but I feel like peoples coffee b****. I used to groom dogs over in Alabama. I thought I would finda job grooming here with no problem but I haven't had any luck anywhere. I've been to every groom shop & no one has been hiring. I don't have any credit to start a business. Even if I did have the credit I wouldn't want to open up anything around here. I feel like I made a big mistake..
I moved here for family. I can't even stand being around them all the time. I know that may sound bad but it is how I feel. My part time job doesn't pay enough money to live on my own so I rent with my brother & his wife. I am 20 & they are always in my business, Or always reminding me rent is due soon. It makes me want to run far away from here. Where no one knows my name. Somewhere I can start new. I feel stuck in this moment. They say tomorrow is a different day but they all seem to be the same to me. I haven't met any friends or anyone. I feel very loney.. I can't help but feel different & completely out of place here.. I can't believe I used to call this place home.
I'm unsure what to do. I try not to fall back into depression but it gets hard. I try to distract myself but the thoughts always come back, "Some may miss me but eventually they will forget me. They will realize I just wasn't happy with this life. I just was tired of fighting. They'll understand." I want to believe those thoughts but I don't want to cause my mom & dad pain. So then I hope I will just get ina car wreck that will end it all so theywould haveno idea the pain I was feeling. I don't understand why I am so unhappy why I'm not satisfied with this life that was given to me.
Maybe I would be happier if I had someone to spend the days with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hug when I'm down. Someone who understood exactly how I felt. But is that even possible? How could anyone reallyget you? We are all very different & put together different. We all think differently in some way. I've always been told I was an odd one. I believe it more now then ever.
Ending this blog with what it started as, unsure. Maybe someone will be able to tell me something to change my mind. Or maybe someone to distract me from my uncertainty.