feel like life is against me sometimes, i remember when i said to my self "this year i will try to make things better than last year, i want to either get a job or get education and get better." nothing has, i got new apointment in hospital at first it was bull. i went again after a few month´s it got a little better but everything fell apart again and i miss apointment the doctor forgot me and i just dont have the strenght to go over thing over and over, at some point when you cant get better and you are losing strenght everytime you just fell apart. i cant really get better with psykologi, i was talking to him but we are getting nowhere, because i cant open up to anyone. i cant write a bit what i feel but i always have feelings deep down that i never open to anyone that i can talk to. when i talk to anyone i just shut down what i feel, and it comes to me when i am alone.
job, education, i cant come anywhere. i tried to get a job but all either cut down to save or already has enough workers. education, i have no idea what i want to do, when i look at my self i see am smart, but with all the emotionelly crap i cant get over anything. i tried to get a education but i coulndt handle the people, young, hopefull, positive people everywhere. i wasnt right that time in the building, i was shaking, had some negative thoughts, so much hate and rage just rushed on my head.
now i just feel lonely most of the time, not because i dont have anyone around me, but i have feelings i cant let out. so many years i had feelings i never share to anyone face, the lonelyness of so many couples around also botheres me, my friends saying they are so great, that thier lives getting alot better, while i am here thinking about suicide on and off, sometimes planning on how.
i just cant handle everthing going slowly down while i age, while i cant handle more and more people, more feelings, future not looking better, have to help others when yourself are drowning.
i just want it over, i dont want anymore feelings, i want to die.