I wrote this earlier, the writing job is probably not very good, but I thought I would feel better to put it out there for somebody to see.

How do we fix the world? Civilization as a whole is corrupt. I read an article the other day about the Duggar family, ranking 12 of the kids in rebelliousness. Josh Duggar was ranked number six. A sexual abuser and cheater ranked only a number six. The number one place went to Jinger, who wore pants. That was all.  I cannot comprehend why the world is the way it is. Why do people rate him as less rebellious as five other children whose only crimes were holding hands before marriage, and breaking off a relationship. The author even wrote “hopefully Josh is on the right track now”.

That is the most bullshit thing that I have ever heard. I am not a fan of the Duggar’s, nor do I keep up with them, but I have some similar experiences. When I read that I could not believe my eyes. I was filled with anger and hatred, towards the author of the article, the family, and society as a whole. When a guy is a DISGUSTING sexual abuser, they don’t change. It’s not like they just went off the beaten path and got lost for a little while. They are sick sadistic wack jobs, and there is no coming back from that.

I am so tired of hearing excuses for people like Josh Duggar. Sexual abuse is a forever damaging thing. It scars you and changes you, especially when you are a child. You are treated like a Barbie doll that is theirs to play with, like the assailant has the right to do whatever he wants to your body. When you’re a child and its by someone you are supposed to trust and who is supposed to love you, and take care of you. The victim doesn’t come back from THAT.

The victims start off at first not even realizing how wrong it is as a child. You know you don’t like it and you don’t know why they are doing this to you, and you are so AFRAID of telling anyone because they say you will be in big trouble if you do. As time goes by you start becoming afraid of everyone, seeing all people as potential assaulters. You can’t open up to anyone because you feel as if there is nobody in the world you can trust. You start to doubt yourself, your self-esteem getting lower and lower until it is inexistent. You start to lose hope, thinking your life will never get better, or be worth anything. You start finding yourself sinking farther and farther into a black hole of depression. You DO have your good days, but your bad days are come with very dark and sad thoughts.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to the flashbacks you get that can be triggered by something as simple as a song. The anxiety and tears that come with it, and the looks from your boyfriend wondering what’s going on with you. The look of true concern in his eyes. Sexual assault affects your ability and comfortability with getting intimate with anyone, mentally and physically. One of your biggest wishes is just to be normal, like everyone else.

Sexual assault changes you in many ways, some will never understand. You find yourself having a meltdown just from having to run to the store. Simple tasks turn in to huge burdens, because you are so afraid of what kind of people are in the world, and you have experienced so many unfortunate events you just know another one will happen if you leave your house. You are afraid to meet new people because you feel as if you are not good enough. Unlovable. You have to question your every move because you are so afraid and paranoid that it’s going to make someone notice that you are different, or even put a target on your back for future predators.

Sexual abusers change your life forever. You are never the same again. You feel as if you will never be whole again. When you read things like the article I read about the Duggar’s, it does not encourage you that the world is a wonderful safe place. Victims in order to heal, in order to not be afraid, need to not see the repulsive things like that. It just reiterates your belief that the world is a messed up place with messed up people, who look at the villains as the victims. I hope that this stops because I cannot wrap my head around how anyone could find good in such terrible people, and put the blame on girls or are innocent good people.