For as long as I can remember I have been Anxious and this I believe is due to a few things a hard childhood a mother that was too young and who has mental health issues herself which all resulted in being subjected to mental and sometimes physical abuse on a daily basis. Then through my teens and early adulthood I struggled with the need for everyone to like me to be accepted and to feel like I was a good person. Living in a small rural town I something that I find really hard there are so many different clicks everyone knows everything and everyone has an opinion about everything. I have not always been as bad as I am now and I do have times where is dot have any anxiety at all and I feel like I am finally “Queried”.
I first sort help for my anxiety when I was 23 years old, I had moved to Sydney and was working as a live in nanny for one of my friends relatives. I was only meant to be there for 2 weeks but decided to stay on and over the course of a few months Heather the mother of the children I was caring for noticed that I was struggling and having chronic depression herself she could see I needed help. Heather sat me down and suggested I go to the Dr and see about getting some medication .. I was reluctant but also wanted to get better and be able to leave the house without a 2 page plan of all the things that could go wrong. I saw 2 Dr’s before I was put on Zoloft 50mg Daily, the first dose made me feel spaced out and did so for a week then I evened out and continued to take them for 5 years. The Medication helped a lot and I was able to carry on with life without the server panic in the pit of my stomach that seemed to flare up when ever it wanted to. Eventually Heather and the family moved to the Gold coast I decided to stay living in Sydney and moved houses found new jobs and friends all by myself I was in a good place proud of my independence and what I had achieved.
At the end of 2014 I decided to head home back to Tasmania for a 2 week holiday to see friends and family, I then started seeing an old friend, he would fly over and see me and I would fly back for weekends. I quickly realised that this was more than just a fling or just a casual relationship so it was decided that I would move back to Tasmania after 5 months of being together and the omission of love. I was worried … I was worried that I wouldn’t handle living back in a small town but I was willing to give it a go. 8 month after moving back I noticed the weight gain and little behaviours starting again the anxiety about going to the shop, the what are people saying about me what are people thinking about me I must be an awful person I am not worthy of friendship I am no good I am worthless and the lost of low. I was working and things started to crack I put smooch pressure on myself to do everything and to be super efficient that I end up becoming a raging lunatic I burn out and my anxiety goes through the roof. Due to small town nastiness and boss that wasn’t equipped to deal with all of my anxious energy and sometime negative behaviour (unconscious negative behaviour) I was forced to quit my job and was unemployed for 6 months which put so much financial pressure on my partner and I as we had just bought our first home together and a new car. At this point I began to get really bad anxiety and was definite at my darkest, in June 2016 I made the decision to stop taking my medication my reasons were 1. I had gained 15 Kg since moving back to Tasmania 2. That I was feeling really bad anyhow and the medication was no longer doing its job and I didn’t want to go up a dose 3. I felt like it was a way of taking back some control over my life. Tappering off the medication slowly is what all of the research suggests and that is what I did I cut back small amounts over a month I did encounter some of the side affect and they were nasty brain zaps and insomnia loss of apatite and generally feeling like crap.
I was going really well I felt great after a month being off the medication I was determined to really make a go of it and take back my brain and get a hold on my anxiety. October 1 2016 there was an incident noting major my partner go very drunk and hit someone we are very close to it really upset their family of which we are closer to … It sent my Anxiety through the roof it was like the 2 month of being fine and everything was smooth sailing has all came crashing down my body shut down I was in a constant state of terror and dread for 2 weeks I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I was ready to end my life just to stop feeling the way I was. My partner was so distressed by my state the he took time off work and took me to the Dr to try and get me back on track or on anything that looked like a track. I didn’t want to go back on medication at all and I was adamant about that, So the Dr suggested that I start going to see a psychologist I agreed and was then placed on a 3 month waiting list. This was scary territory I felt like I was treading water alone at night in the ocean with no shore insight. In January may partner and I decided to move to Queensland for work and for a change as he knows I find it hard living here and I finally got the appointment and the Psychologist recommended that we start CBT and it was hard work the first we times I was a compleat mess and then it got easier as I was learning to catch my thoughts and unpack them and see that what I was thinking and perceiving as a threat was not true at all (vague overview). I completed my 6 sessions and then felt great I felt I could handle my anxiety and be ok to go forward alone and i was down to 2kg of my original weight. Everything was going really well but I couldn’t shake this feeling I had about moving away I just had this fear that Dylan would change his mind and not want to move away anymore…. and he did a he got an opportunity that is going to allow him to do what he loves most and I couldn’t say no to that so we are staying here. The hardest thing is that I was so ready to get out of this place and away from all of the people that make life hard for me I could almost feel the relief. This has really set me back and I am teetering on the edge of a large cliff that has no bottom and I am trying really hard to stay in control and feel ok. I talk about how I feel to my partner but I am struggling as i can feel myself pulling away because the negative self talk has started again “He is going to leave you because you are sick” I think pulling away is a way to lessen the blow and protect myself but then I think that the world would freeze over before he would leave me he is really supportive and really understands what I go though.
This is me and this is where I am at the moment