I need to vent….sorry you have to read this if you are reading it.  I would advise you to stop now.

I have been so fucking miserable lately. My boyfriend and I are fighting constantly. I have pushed away all my friends because of my depression and all the other shit that is going on.  I still can't find a job and it keeps getting more hopeless everyday given the current economic situation.  I'm sick of being 23 years old and stll living at home with my mother.  I feel like I'm back in high school, with too many reminders.  I'm sick of having no money and having my mom give me what little I do have and having all this credit card debt to pay off.  I can't even afford the minimum payments.  I have 1.87 in my bank account.  I am a fat, ugly, disgusting, waste of space.  I am a burden on everyone around me (especially my mom) because I just cannot seem to get it together with my mind or my life.  Let's see, what else… I can't sleep worth a shit lately and I hate being awake because then I have to think about all this shit.  I'm falling back so hard into my eating disorder to where it is about to take over my life again, and I don't want to, but at the same time, I want  to.  Then at least there is something that is in my control, my weight. And weight loss to look forward to.  I am so stupid for even thinking that is a good idea. It is becoming a constant mental battle with myself everyday, on top of all the other crap that goes on inside my stupid head. There is something very wrong with me that I can't fix, all this mental crap. I can't handle stress like a healthy person and I am a complete failure for not being able to do so.  I can't even afford to go to therapy, my $12 a visit, for broke ass ppl like myself.  It's not like therapy helps me anyway.  I can't seem to get over anything.  I just want to scream.

Fuck my life

2 Comments
  1. Katymyster24 14 years ago

    Hi there, I am Katy. I KNOW exactly what you're going through! Totally 100%. I don't have a job either because it's hard to find one in this time, because there's no jobs out there for me and I have a hard time even thinking about work right now because I am very depressed still. Work didn't cause my depression but unfortunately it came to work with me, but I know that I need money. I live with my mom too and it sucks because I want to have my own place right now, and I want my credit cards paid off, but there's no way right now because I have 1.00 to my checking account and my mom gives me some money to help which you know of course isn't much.

    I decided to go to school, and I am being focused on that which makes me feel good right now. But yeah, with my boyfriend and I, he's been having a hard time understanding what I go through and it's so hard because I have a lot of panic and anxiety and one time, I had an attack at his place 6 months ago, and I dread going over there because the feeling of fearing a panic attack is horrible. I haven't stayed at his house and it sucks because sometimes he thinks that I am avoiding him, but I am not. My friends don't see much of me because I am so down right now, that I don't want to see them. I watch people when I go to the store and a lot of people are so "HAPPY" like they have no problem in the world, and then I picture myself with a dark cloud over my head that rains tar and it's so hard to move sometimes. I try to keep going though.

    Do you know what has been causing your depression? If you need to talk about anything which I know with depression it's difficult because the mind is so vicious, you can definately talk to me.

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  2. thelifeofjade 14 years ago

     If its any help know that there are lots of us in the same shoes 🙁 I wish that there was some great thing I could say that would change how you feel right now but Im in the same boat…23..just got laid off..i feel like a waste of space, ive got bills that won't pay themselves and im stressing majorly about finding the next way to get money. ((hug)) but I know that if you've faught your way from ED before that you are so strong and can try to abstain from it. Hard as it is, i know. 🙁 I can't say that I do little things here and there to try to feel control. I wish money wasn't the root of our problems but most cases it is. Im sure that your mom loves you and just wants to help you get back on your feet. My mom and Stepdad wouldn't let me move back home if I needed to so at least in your misery you can take solice that you have a mom, no matter how she makes you feel, that will support you. I don't know if any of this helps but WE are here for u.

    xx Jade

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