I am depressed.

There, I had to be able to type it and read it to take hold of it. I've said it to others before and Feel it but somehow looking at those words mean more. I don't know what kind of depression I have. My husband refers to it as being dramatic and needing exercise, My mother likes to say I need to just go do something and it's an excuse. They both firmly believe the same thing "If you kill, yourself it's on you, between you and god, not me." I told them before I've thought about suicide on ocassion, sometimes for weeks at a time. It just feels as though they truly don't care. My mother has always said to me time heals all wounds. Am I crazy for believing that that applies to me as well. They believe being depressed is a choice. I'm trying to figure out is it? Let me give you some background information on me. I dropped out of high school (my choice), I quit every job I've ever had after 6 mos. the most (my choice) I decided to marry a man i've known for a week and now hate the man I've met (my choice). I probably can't have children (pretty sure from being a slut in the past). I drink excessively when I do (my choice), I smoke ciggarettes like a chimney (my choice), and trust me there's plenty more issues I have. and the choices i've made seems to have led me down a road of depression. Now I know your thinking well go back to school, get a job, either divorce or try to work it out, go to a fertility clinic, go to AA,and quit smoking. I Can't I've tried and tried to do all of these things but something always gets in my way. I know it's not easy but I just need some kind of friggin break. This tribe is giving me one. even if noone reads my blog, comments, or tries to help it's ok, because I get to vent and I probably would get on your nerves anyway. I've never had anyone to truly talk too the one time I did I was a child and that really backfired on me. So at least I can feel like i'm talking to someone through this site, just getting it out. So if your still reading I must warn you most of my post will be about fights and arguments i've had drunken nights of venting and self loathing and because my grammar is terrible it might take you awhile to even understand what i'm trying to say. I apologize and so far no thoughts of suicide today. Yeah Me!!!!!


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