I have never really communicated with other people who have OCD. It's a way bigger issue than I had realized, especially when it comes to relationships. I sometimes feel like the whole disorder is actually my fault (thanks mom and dad for telling me that). It makes me feel pretty stupid and crummy, heavy and burdened, especially when I'm trying to be confident in myself.

 In fact, who else has experienced this: You feel grounded and confident and finally like a competent human being, and then  the roving mind magnet of OCD sweeps through the ol' brain and attaches to something, sending you into a spin and tearing the rug out from under you. Zounds! I am determined to form a new picture of myself as a beautiful, intelligent woman  with OCD.  It happens. I have demonized the OCD for so long that it is totally blown out of proportion. But now I do plan on accepting it and dealing with it and I will grow to stop being ashamed of it.

 Every time I have an obsession and ask repetetive questions of my boyfriend, I get scared he's going to get sick of me and leave. So I spend more time worrying about that, about sounding weak when I apologize, about how to save face, that it's actually THAT part that drives him crazy. He is a spiritual crusader in my life. I think he is touretic, but he isn't sure himself (I don't think he has the education nor resources to figure that out. Enough crap on this guy's plate, I don't want to force him to. But methinks maybe he understands, at least partially, the lack of control I feel). Today, when I started blubbering about being afraid when I say "I love you" and he doesn't say it back, well, he said that he knew what was going on with me (i'm doing my 'thing'). I told him I hate doiing this vulnerable OCD spin. He actually said, "You can't help it." Nobody has ever understood that before. It's the first time somebody seemed to understand. I've never had a peer understand!

So I hate the damned disorder, and yet I am not sure what my emotions would be without it. If I'd just be another Jerry Springer bitch, or if I wouldn't care about anything. Somewhere in the middle would be great.

 People in my town think I am confident and intimidating as a single woman. I telemark ski, I'm a forest ranger, I am out in the woods all the time. They know I don't need a man. But then I hook up and the skeletons come out of the closet. My boyfriend is relatively new, but he has already seen my most vulnerable side, and I hate it. I feel open to attack and judgement. I'm afraid he'll tell other people in this tiny town and nobody will want to date me because they'll think I'm scary. What do I say? "SOrry, I have OCD, and I tend to trip on relationships. So sorry if I make you reassure me a whole lot. I'm not actually as insecure as I come off."

Bleah.