Interestingly, work has gotten more and more lousy for me. It isn't the environment (though that truely doens't help) but rather it's me. I've been slacking behind because I can't get my head back on my shoulders. Most of my work is…. bothersome to me, so my mind goes elswhere, and usually not a place I want it to go. If I was daydreaming, that would be one thing, but instead it's not-so-happy thoughts. Ones that I don't want to be thinking about. So I try to distract (as it's been the most useful tool for me so far), but of course, if you're at work, distractions will get you in trouble. 🙁 and they have… sort of. Mostly I'm in trouble because I've gottne behind on a lot of stuff (stuff that really doesn't matter until someone gripes, which, they would gripe anyway as it's just one pile versus another). Heck, the work that I do, the person who follows me doesn't even do their part! (Hasn't since October). It's why I started slacking on it, as it seemed it didn't matter that I did it.

But of course, people blame the things I do to distract my mind from bad thoughts. I honestly can't buck up the courage to tell them why I distract. I jsut don't want the consequences of them knowing (even my manager). I don't want them to tip-toe around me, I don't want them to pitty me, and least of all, I don't want them to think I'm lying and trying to make excuses for my behavior! I know it's poor behavior, but I'm having dificulty trying to find actual work that will keep my mind from those thoughts. Usually, the only thing that works is using the paper cutter (go figure). But, you cna only cut up so much scratch paper before people think you're off your rocker (or you run out of places to store it).

So, this morning I got in trouble for having a "pile of crap" on my desk that someone needed to find something out of. But the day gets better!!

At home I use writing, reading, pets and games to distract from my thoughts. However, most of the games and writing that I do are cooperative, as that's where I get the enjoyment. Playing with others, and writing stories with them give me a sort of… driving force. Like a ball rolling downhill. So I guess "momentum" is the word I like. The more I feel I have things to do with those people (especially creative things), the more momentum I have in life in general. I know it's a very dependant thing of me to say, but I suppose… one problem at a time.

Sadly, things of late have been drying up. My socializing sources seem empty, vacant even. People don't want to be there, or have run out of htings to say. Today, a person whom I've been writing at least three sepperate and well engaged stories with… sent me an email that they can no longer be there. Mind you, this person was also a very, very, good souce of comfort in that I could talk to them freely about my depression, and I always felt both encouraged by them and appreciated. It isn't their fault they had to go, real life always takes precidence, afterall.

I have two websites (Gaia Online and Kingdom of Knuffel) and two games (WoW and Minecraft) in which I go to socialize and find people to write with. But…. I'm coming up dry. Friends I had leave, or stop chatting… or just don't know what to write any more. While I can understand this… it's hard for me to start from scratch again and again. I'm running out of my own resources having to provide something that will entice people to play with me (as pathetic as that sounds).

So, I admit, I wonder when the third thing will hit me. As they say: Bad news comes in threes.

As it is, my thoughts are bad, as some of them are self harming thoughts. So far, since this has started up over a month ago, I've been able to not act on them. What makes me angry is a few years back when I did act on it, everything turned out wrong. I'd done it at home, and at one point i'd explained to my bosses (previous job I had; so not the same bosses I have now) why I'd been a bit abscent minded at the time, and they insisted I call the local mental health facility (they also insisted I take the rest of the week off which means no pay for me). The local mental health place had a less than stellar responce. Effectively, they told me (as politely as possible) that I "wasn't bad off enough". But there really isn't anything remotely in my area (next nearest facility is a town 100mi away). So, effectively I lost pay and my plea for help got rejected. On top of that, my bosses treated me different afterward. I don't want a repeat of that.