My life these days is just waiting. First I was waiting for the Zyprexa to come in, and it did. Now I’m waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back about the IHSS Healthcare Certification, I need to be sure he received it (I had left it at the front desk). But I must wait an extra day because he’s only in the office on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Another thing I had to wait for was my Thrive Market box. It came two days late, and the package was damaged. I wrote a review. And of course there is the everyday wait for my husband to come home. I really hate how orangey our house looks on the inside. It’s the sunlight through those new shades that we got. If we had our canopy overhead I think it would look much better, and block out most of the sun. But I don’t think my husband wants to put up another canopy. Just yesterday he was saying that he didn’t miss the sound of the canopy creaking in the wind. I miss it. Oh well.

Another thing I’m waiting for is for my Zyprexa to get up to a therapeutic level. Seven days on 4mg of risperidone and 10mg of Zyprexa, then I will stop the risperidone and start taking the full dose of the Zyprexa, 25 mg. I’m so hot I think I might take a cold shower soon. Yes, I took one. Very nice. I’m feeling really good right now, just gliding through the early evening. I went outside and took out the compost in my bare feet. I’m drinking a second steeping of Organic India’s Sweet Rose Tulsi, it’s so good. They say it’s stress-relieving and magical. I would agree with that. Speaking of magick, I still don’t know how I feel about religion. This afternoon I felt a closeness to Allah that I can’t explain. I did perform ghusl this morning, could Allah be guiding me back to Himself? It happened just a few minutes ago, as I was walking in the back yard. I don’t know if I could commit to Islam again. I don’t have enough modest clothing, especially for the hot weather. And I don’t know if I can give up kombucha. It has alcohol in it. And I have not prayed. I have made dua. The only prayers I can pray are Dhuhr and Asr, because that is when my husband is at work. How I wish he would convert to Islam, it would make this easier. I am reading the Qur’an right now. I suppose regarding the kombucha, that is a small price to pay when the end result is Paradise. I just need to figure out my wardrobe. I will not wear hijab like I did last year. I don’t know how I got away with that.

I must meditate on this. I know I have been playing tag with my three religions, but Allah keeps on calling to me. The dietary laws are easy for me to follow, I am a vegetarian so I don’t have to worry about the meat situation. I don’t drink alcohol, save the occasional kombucha, but for the sake of Allah, I will give it up. And I will continue to pray for my husband’s conversion. For him, it would be tricky because he eats a lot of pork tacos. Al pastor, carnitas, etc. I was advised by some well-meaning brothers to divorce my non-believing husband. That’s not an option for me, and I was also advised by a sister to give him some time to convert before divorcing him outright. I have no desire to leave my husband, and I am not in a position to be able to support myself. So, wait again I shall, for his conversion. Wait, wait, wait.


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