Sometime ago I told my wife about my thoughts of killing myself, I think about it every day for 25 years. Why haven’t I done it? I suppose I am afraid, and maybe that living hell may be actually better than real ‘hell’!. I am pretty certain that’s where I am headed. (if there is any actual heaven or hell). However, since I have told my wife about my feelings, mind you I have NEVER told anyone previously not even a therapist, I thought the feelings would subside somewhat. Not the case, infact the feelings have grown and also the fear of actually dying has diminished. This is all more burden on my wife. We have no insurance, there is no help, there is no community help that speaks my language, and the more I feel the more burden it puts on her. And the result is the more guilt I feel and a need to free her from me and myself from this feeling. I have no friends where I live, I am basically home alone all day. I have no work, I have no family on my side and I can burden her family no more they do not have any idea how I feel. I am at the end. I am selfish, I am a Liar, I am angry, I am impotent, I am not working, I am incapable of making a decision, I am not trustworthy, I am useless, I am ignorant, ….I am broken.
If there was a majik pill that could fix me today all the damage I have caused is irrepairable and will stay with me through any future I may have and I will not be able to break that barrier. So it is pointless to continue on. My wife is the only one who says she loves me, but at the same time she can not take anymore. I try to communicate my feelings to her but she says "just stop talking like that, stop thinking like that" is it that easy? Is that how it’s done? because the thoughts NEVER go away….there are 2 options 1.) continue to live in the misery and ruin her life and everyone around. 2.) kill the conscious thought.
Is freedom from these thoughts, from this misery, which I have created in my own conscious mind and which has scarred my unconscious mind , is that freedom, peace available to me? Will death free me? I think I am certain the answer is YES. i must let the fear subside and let the calm overtake my mind and body.