There is this feeling right now.
It's something I haven't felt for weeks, but that is always there with me, waiting to prey on my emotions and life.
The feeling of being trapped.
I feel so trapped in my life right now, like I no longer have a future. I feel so hopeless and at the same time so enraged. I am being convicted of a decision that was made for me and not by me. I am being pointed at to something I didn't decide. I didn't choose to live this life, the decision was made by my parents because I was too young to understand what was going on.
I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and soon everything will disappear. Every dream, every hope, every prayer, every smile, every happiness will vanish soon.
Sometimes I don't think I can do it any more. This charade that I am part of. I just can't seem to come up with a reason to stay and fight. I am not strong which I never claimed to be. I just want to disappear and drown. I want to leave this world and be free like the birds that appear in tattoos or at the end of some corny romance movie where the two main characters die together of old age and at the end of the credits birds are flying as a symbol of freedom. Except that in my world I won't be dying of old age and there won't be no man at my side since I am alone.
I wish to not feel this feeling any more, it feels as if I can't breathe and my heart panics and starts beating at thousand miles per hour while my head spins and only thinks of air and oxygen because at this moment it's lacking. Only to realize that I am trapped in my own life and I have no idea how to get out or if I can get out.