Last night got really angry. Started to think of the years I've spent in my profession. Thought about the trade off I had with it… it provided financially for my family and me and I and my family gave up some normal aspects of many families, and I gave up my freedom of political speech and put up with a job I didn't like very much with stress that has taken a bit of a toll.
The payoff for me outside of providing for my family was eventually I'd get to retire with a decent amount to live off. Now, after almost 30 years doing this, and gaining hiatal hernia, a malfuncting thyroid and an enlarged prostate (all having some link to shift work/stress and getting all before I was 48), now they keep talking about changes coming. Talking about screwing around with my pension and benefits. I've actually been thinking seriously of making a decision this year before I turn 50, before I could have any sort of pension, to just quit. Take whatever money is owed me, lose my medical benefits and pension, just in case the worst case scenario occurs and I'm stuck with no exit option and looking at working another 10 or 12 years to get out of there.
There is no way I would survive another 10 years in that place.
Tonight, I watched the movie The Limey. The dad, on a mission of vengeance for the death of his young adult daughter, finds out at the last moment before achieving his goal, that his lifestyle caused his daughter to adopt a reactive behaviour that ultimately led to her homicide.
As a single dad I always felt I failed my two, now grown children. I know it is partly my inability to believe anything but the negative in myself, but even that characteristic in me has had to affect my kids. I would give up everything if only I could have been a better dad, a better role model, a stronger father.
But that ship has sailed. But it doesn't change the fact that my kids deserved so much more than what little I could offer.
I'm not looking for sympathy or comments. This is just venting. No one out there has enough info on my life to judge this blog, negatively or positively.
If any parents are out there, though, really believe it when they say hug your kids, love your kids, but make sure you put yourself first. It sounds selfish, but you have to be your best to give them your best. And they deserve the best.