So after we put Zachary to bed last night I pulled Aaron aside for a talk about his behavior towards Zachary. I told him what he was doing was unacceptable and I wouldn't stand for it. There was no reason to be so controlling, demanding and downright mean to our son for ANY reason. I told him that if Zachary's behavior made him angry then he needed to take a step back or leave the room until he could handle it rationally and calmly, or that I could take care of the issue if he wanted. Like many of you have said on my last blog ~ bullying is the last thing I want my husband to do to our son. I explained to him that the reason Zachary didn't respect him like he did me was because Aaron was always making fun of him or yelling at him. He doesn't spend a lot of quality time with him doing fun stuff like playing soccer, basketball, or helping him ride his bike. Then he told me that he wanted Zach to have "thicker skin" which made me REALLY angry! He doesn't need to have thicker skin, he's a sensitive kid who's loving and sometimes overwhelming with his desires and needs from us. I told Aaron that if there was more name calling, nasty uncalled for sarcasm or unnecessary yelling that it would cause hell between us. I did praise him for doing the right thing when he sent Zachary to his room for bad behavior, because after a little while he'd go in and talk to him about the problem. And I have no doubt he loves Zachary, he's just unhappy when he's not in control of everything. I'm just so tired of the competition of wills between the two of them. I feel like if I have to deal with this much more I'm going to ask Aaron to leave for awhile until he gets himself straight. I wouldn't keep Zachary from him, but I'd make sure I was there for all visits and time spent with his Dad. I'm praying I don't have to go through with that threat.
So last night was bad. I ended up in another conversation with him and my Mom and they made me cry. I've always wanted to be a counselor or work as veterinary technician or vet, but they told me that I couldn't handle it because I can't separate work from home. This is after my husband tells me that no matter what I choose to do he supports me 100%. What a load of bullsh*t. How can I be happy when I can't answer my calling? Even my therapist doesn't want me pursuing a career in therapy at this point because I'm not stable enough. The difference with her though is that she's only saying "right now", not "never". I can live with waiting, I've been doing that a long time now. It's something I've gotten used to doing. I've been waiting 7 long years to find a medicinal combination to help with the bipolar symptoms, and we've finally found it. I can wait to fulfill my dreams. Besides, right now I've got a young child still and need to focus on him. We won't pass this way again if you know what I mean.
Things are a little easier between me and Aaron this morning because he apologized for what he's been doing with handling Zachary's behaviors, and I apologized for attacking him. I just get so mad when I see him act that way! His son adores him but senses his disapproval with him, which causes problems too. I know that this can't be fixed overnight, but maybe we can start anew now. I certainly hope so. I wish Aaron would get some counseling regarding his own experiences in childhood with his stepdad. It really screwed him up and he's never at peace with himself about it. I think he has very low self-esteem because of it, and that's part of the whole parenting problem. I've tried to get him to go, but he only went to a few sessions years ago and then quit. How can I convince him to go back and try again? He puts on a happy face like nothing's bothering him, but deep down he suffers from depression too. I've seen it rear it's ugly head, and he's even tried to commit suicide at one point. That was a long time ago, but still, those problems don't go away on their own.
I guess that's enough talking about my husband. He would be really mad if he read this but I need to get it off my chest. I can't keep holding all of this in. Any thoughts would be appreciated very much. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
As for my day it's laundry and cleaning. Tomorrow I go pick up my schedule from work and I'm really nervous about it. It's making me anxious. I know I have to do this for my own good, but I'm scared. I've only been on the Ritalin for 2 weeks now and what if it stops working? It's done great so far, but I'm still worried. Wish me luck with going back to work part-time.
That's all for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful day! (((HUGS)))