Guys, I want to start a podcast!!

Yesterday I was recording music for my boyfriend and  I just started talking about my life… I love being authentic with people and I consider myself an open book, but physically talking to people, or face timing, even calling, makes me stressed for some reason. So I think making a podcast is a good solution- talking without people watching me while I’m doing it.

I really hate myself right now. I’ve turned into a literal demon around my parents and can’t stop screaming about it. Don’t say it’s okay because it’s not. I want to control my temper i just don’t know how.

I’ve considered killing myself a lot, but this is one of the rare times when I actually want to do it and it’s not just my brain telling me to die. i hate myself, that much is already covered, and i also feel like life is hopeless. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get out of this house and have my own life or if i can even survive staying here much longer. I want to die because i can’t survive the alternative, living.

Also, why do boys frequently get mad at me when I’m suicidal? I’m assuming they’re just worried about me but it doesn’t help, all i really need is a hug, not for someone to yell at me, especially someone i care about.

thinking about dying makes me sad but it has a beautiful finality about it, like maybe i can finally be free of pain and heartache and just be gone. i just want to be gone already.

of course the future is supposed to hold meaning, but who says I’ll make it that far? each day is a challenge and one i don’t always like facing.

I’ve finally stopped having nightmares. it’s been months or maybe years that I’ve had nightmares every single night and now, finally, i can sleep. there’s a weird peaceful feeling i get thinking about dying, just like it’s right somehow. i don’t know. i want to die.

anyway,

see you later:)