Guys, I want to start a podcast!!

Yesterday I was recording music for my boyfriend and  I just started talking about my life… I love being authentic with people and I consider myself an open book, but physically talking to people, or face timing, even calling, makes me stressed for some reason. So I think making a podcast is a good solution- talking without people watching me while I’m doing it.

I really hate myself right now. I’ve turned into a literal demon around my parents and can’t stop screaming about it. Don’t say it’s okay because it’s not. I want to control my temper i just don’t know how.

I’ve considered killing myself a lot, but this is one of the rare times when I actually want to do it and it’s not just my brain telling me to die. i hate myself, that much is already covered, and i also feel like life is hopeless. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get out of this house and have my own life or if i can even survive staying here much longer. I want to die because i can’t survive the alternative, living.

Also, why do boys frequently get mad at me when I’m suicidal? I’m assuming they’re just worried about me but it doesn’t help, all i really need is a hug, not for someone to yell at me, especially someone i care about.

thinking about dying makes me sad but it has a beautiful finality about it, like maybe i can finally be free of pain and heartache and just be gone. i just want to be gone already.

of course the future is supposed to hold meaning, but who says I’ll make it that far? each day is a challenge and one i don’t always like facing.

I’ve finally stopped having nightmares. it’s been months or maybe years that I’ve had nightmares every single night and now, finally, i can sleep. there’s a weird peaceful feeling i get thinking about dying, just like it’s right somehow. i don’t know. i want to die.

anyway,

see you later:)

2 Comments
  1. sanatee 3 months ago

    I know exactly what you mean, but there is no one to scream at me. Just myself in my head calling me a coward and useless. But then again things can be good. They have been good before. My depression is very situational but situations can change. I have made a decision to change my routines and -attempt- to change my attitude towards things.

    In a way I envy you. It sounds like you have a lot of fight. I just kind of let things happen and keep falling behind.

    I hope things turn around for you. If for no other reason, so you can make your podcast and maybe save somebody’s life one day by telling your own story. I am rooting for you.

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  2. Author
    aquazium 3 months ago

    thanks:) fighting is hard but I think it’s worth it, it changes things up, helps you get out on top. though fighting depression is a thing, I don’t blame you in the least because I’ve been there so many times. changing your attitude helps, i guess finding meaning is the most important thing. something to fight for.

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