so, three times I went to the suicide prevtion site nd went to their chat area because I was to anxious to call in person, but each person i've chatted with either rushed me, wasn genuine and all they acked over and ove is if I felt suicidal at this moment.

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of ocurse I felt suicial but i wasn't going to tell them that. that wasn't the main problem. i'm breaking down and needed someone to listen, no judgement, just listen and inderstand the best they could.

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but that never happens, last night I tired reach out to two friends to talk to, one of them stayed wit me for awhile until she had to go.

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and the other one, that i've known since 3rd grade as soon as it got really deep and open sjue just disappeard.. she claimed she feel asleep (it was like 3am) but part of me still feels hse just didn't get into my fucked up mind.

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I know who to trust. everything i so raw, a gaping wound. and anxiety has be doing everything in its power to NOT trust anyone at all.

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there has been certian people on here who are very kind and i'm starting to lower me guard for them. but in the back of my mide I have the hand on the trigger incase I need to quickly reform that wall.

I don't know why I keep seceretly hoping someone will come in and help ot to stop drowning. but I know it won't happend.. i'm alone.

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tomorrow i'm meeting chaplian mark (I grew close to him in my many hospital visits) and hes agreed to meet with me once a week, but I just feel so far from god I don't know if it will help..

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but i'll ive it a go…

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well i'm still really groggy from all the meds I took so i'm gonna go crash. hope you all are doing well.