i miss grandma. her birthday is soon. the 26th. She would have been 75. she was a 14 year breast cancer survivor. it’s breast cancer awareness month. which is making me think about her even more. she is seriously in my thoughts every second. i brought her a dozen pink roses last week and put them on her grave. i sat there and talked to her for about a half hour. maybe more.
then a lady came to visit the grave right next to my grandmas. it was her husband. we didn’t say much. said hello. asked each other who it was that we were visiting. and then she sat down too. I had been there for a while at that point, so i figured i would give her some time to be alone. i got up and just put my hand on her shoulder. and she said “it’s a terrible thing, being alone.” and i said yeah, it really is. then i left.

i wish my sister had a grave i could visit. i miss her soooooo much. when i go to grandmas grave, i feel like i can talk to her and it’s sort of comforting. but mom had vicki cremated and her ashes are in our house. i think it’s weird. i wish that she had a grave.

i found out a few days ago that my very close friend relapsed. he is in a long term drug rehab. he’s been there for 11 months. he was doing so well. had earned a lot of privileges, was in the second phase of the program (which is sort of like a half way house) he was really doing so so good. he has completely changed in the 11 months that he has been there. and then, last week, some other person that was also in the program brought a bag of heroin into the house. my friend did it with him. he had been clean for 11 fucking months. 11 months! that’s almost an entire god damn year. i am still in shock. i don’t know what to do. his mom made it seem like it wasn’t that big of a deal, because right after he did it he felt bad and told a counselor. but to me, it’s a big deal. it is a big big fucking deal. after everything his family and i have gone through in the past year… after everything he has gone through. i just can’t believe it. I still haven’t talked to since i found out. i don’t know what i should do or say. i don’t even think he knows that i know. i am so sad and upset and dissapointed.

this time last year, i was down in south carolina visiting an amazing family. they are the most loving, understand people i have ever met. i had a wonderful time there. but when i left, things got weird and they pretty much don’t like me now. i haven’t talked to the kids at all since i was there. and i’ve talked to thier mom less then a handful of times. she decided that we can’t be friends because she thinks i lied to her about stuff. but i didn’t. and i dunno. thinking about it makes me really sad. i fuck up everything.

even my therapy. i’ve royally fucked that up. i am so annoyed and frustrated with one of my therapists that I don’t even want to finish the mere 2 months that I have left of the program. she is rude, unprofessional, and we just do not work well together. and the program refuses to let me see a different therapist. im really not happy about this situation.

thank god i still have my private therapist, who i actually really like and work well with. i don’t know where i would be right now if it wasn’t for her.

heh. i feel like shit. mentally mostly, but am not feeling too good psychially either. guess that’s about all i’ve got to write about. ttfn.


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