Such bright and thoughtful responses you provide to my blogs, I thank you for that, you all know who you are. 

I know that exercise is a good thing, I recall in the past during one of my darkest moments, I got on the stepper downstairs and pushed myself until I couldn’t move anymore.  Then I showered, a kind of "cleansing" of the situation more than anything else.  By the time Tom got home, I was exhausted but the tears and anxiety had stopped. 

Apparently I have no self control.  I know I should not be doing these things.  (and please know that I am not doing anything illegal or looking at pornography) because I know that is what this sounds like.  My latest addiction is the Internet.  As you can plainly see, I spend most of my day on-line, whether I am at work or at home.  I am on pretty much every social website that you can think of, seriously, and I check my e-mail at least 10 times a day.  Some people would say this is normal behavior and not an addiction, but for me it is an addiction.  I have computer games that I play for hours, trying to get past that level, only to try and conquer the next one.  Am I hurting anyone?  Myself, my husband, and anyone else who has felt neglected lately, probably my daughter?  The odd thing is, I can still get things done and make it look like I was busy.  I can’t imagine what I would accomplish if I limited my time to an hour a day.  Taking away my computer at home won’t help, because I still have access to one at work.

Anyway, this is only part of my problem.  One of the sites is where I listed the inappropriate posting and I know I need to and have to give it up, but yet I cannot let go.  This is in relation to the "person" I mentioned in the past, who I thought was a friend but in the end it turned out that was not true.   If he was so bad, why do I still want to be his friend?  If all he did was truly hurt me, although he swore up and down he never wanted to, why do I still wish he would contact me?  Honestly is my self esteem so low that I am this desperate for acceptance?  This was not a healthy friendship by any means, and yet….

This is where I am stuck.  In the mud, in the $hit I have created for myself.  I have been extremely honest with my husband in most of this matter and he knows how I am struggling.  But I don’t think he really totally understands. 

Please know I am not referring to Dtribe here.  Yesterday I was very blue.  Instead of staying off this web site, I logged in to check for messages and then got more depressed when there were none.  Not from him or anyone else.  How pathetic.  I know better but yet….

So Andrea, or anyone else who wants to "discipline me", please feel free to do so.  I think what I need is a good slap upside the head. 

It isn’t bad enough to struggle with depression and anxiety itself, I apparently feel the need to create additional challenges to face.


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