Where to start? I can’t believe it. I failed. I brought alcohol for the party. I brought a four pack of Vodka Cruisers and the 7%ers. I drunk three of them, and came home with one. That is still sitting in my bag. I don’t know if i’ll drink it. I can’t believe that I couldn’t resist. I’m a failure. I thought I could resist. Apprently I was wrong. Mum asked me several times if I wanted to go to the liquor store on the way out. If she knew how much I was drinking previously, and how I struggle I’m sure she wouldn’t have done that. It just prooves how alone I am. I feel like I have let everyone that was rooting for me down. Even worse, i feel like I have let myself down. I dissapointed myself. Where once I thought I was strong, now I see i’m just as weak as ever.
The whole party was a waste of time. I went there, only knew like 5 people out of 40. I feelt out of place and uncomfortable. I spent most of the night hanging around my father and step-mother for the simple fact I didn’t know anyone else. I didn’t feel like mingling, even though I was drinking, it didn’t make a difference. Out of all the people that I don’t want to spend a night talking to, my father is one of them. He just HAD to remind me of my escapades at his wedding. Thanks dad, it’s appreciated. I just wanted to be reminded on how I made an idiot of myself. He just couldn’t help himself. He just wanted to make me feel even worse than I allready did. If I could kill him, I would. I HATE him. He has hurt me soo many times, both physically and emotionally, then he wonders why I don’t talk to him much. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work it out mate. He made me feel like an idiot when I said that I don’t like being around graveyards or places where people have died. I get this wierd vibe around places like that. I think I see things and I just don’t like it. I was trying to explain to him that when I was down his place for his wedding, I couldn’t wait to get out of the area. The area is a place where many many people have died over the centuries. Its an old colonial jail. He just said that it was because I was drunk. NO it wasn’t you idiot. I always get spooked around places like that. He just can’t help himself.
I realised that he knows more about his Step children than he does about me. No surprise really. He would rather talk to them than his own flesh and blood. Maybe it’s because he KNOWS that at any time I can say something about him and get him locked up. Or it maybe just the fact that he likes them better than me. That woudn’t surprise me either. I’m just a dissapointment. Look at me.. the big fat looser daughter who tried to kill herself, and took the police on a wild chase around town, drunk, just hoping that she’ll hit a brick wall and die. You’d think I would be used to his attitude towards me. I’m just this scum on his shoes. It never gets any easier.
So the night was horrible. I ended up ringing mum up and asking if she could pick me up earlier. I just wanted to get out of there. I came home and went straight to bed. I cried. I don’t know how long it was before I finally went to sleep. I know I have woken up this morning with horrible puffy, bloodshot eyes. Mum hasn’t asked me about it. Typical. NO one in my family gives a shit. I swear. No one talks to me. NO one listens. I am better off talking to a brick wall, that would be more entertaining.
Today I feel very sad. Feeling very suicidal. I just want to die. I really do. I can’t do this. Its just too hard. I don’t know what to do. The logical answer is death. It makes sence. Yet I now I’ll fail. I fail at everything. I wish someone would just shoot me. If I were a dieing animal I would have been shot already.
I had a horrible dream last night. A Dr was ripping out my organs cause he said that it was the best solution. When I woke up (in my dream) I was in a hospital, and they kept knocking me out with drugs so I wouldn’t scream. There was soo much pain. When I eventually woke up, there was so much pain in my belly. I cried. No one noticed. NO one ever does.
I’m alone. Nothing left for me. I just want to die.