Not as depressed today, but my husband’s home, so that makes sense. I’m tired, and trying not to think too much. I get frightened when I start to think too much. Not just of the crazy shit my mind coughs up, but of what I’ve become, and where my life is going. I love my husband so much. I get so tired, sometimes. I haven’t been taking care a myself lately, and now I’m sick as shit. I need to take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and do something constructive. But, that’s a tall order, isn’t it?
I’ve been trying very hard, as I was advised, not to dwell on thoughts that I know are destructive, but the ugliest ones hit me without asking first, and it’s hard to get them out of my head. So, now, I’m without any of my soft, inviting mental escapism, and all the painful stuff is still there. It leaves me feeling pretty raw, but I know I have to stop hiding in my fantasies, memories, and daydreams. It’s easy to do as a writer. I use the one thing I’m good at to get away from a life I seem to suck at. I’m weary, and I need a cup of coffee. I’ll have one in a minute.
A cup of coffee, and a doughnut from my favorite bakery that I picked up this morning… (a brief moment of life seeming good…)
My husband, who I’ve nicknamed "Pug," is so beautiful, and brilliant. I’m so in love with him, but he’s very depressed, amongst other issues, and he lost interest in touching me years ago. This, and my general hypersexuality and instability (not to mention impulsiveness) led to me having an affair with my best friend. Quinn, my friend, and I haven’t talked since the day it all hit the fan. My husband told me he wanted a divorce, and I couldn’t blame him. It was a two month affair, but I think he has himself convinced that it went on much longer, and that’s a shame. But, he has no reason to believe me, now. Pug got suspicious and left an MP3 recorder running when he went to work, a few weeks back, while Quinn was over. Later that night, he listened to the four hour recording, which included me and Quinn fooling around. The next day he left us both notes, and went out for a while. Quinn left quickly. I never saw his note. Mine said plainly that it was over. I had to accept that, because I’ve put him through a lot, but I can’t help hoping. That day, he said he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed with me, and that we couldn’t both sleep in the apartment that night. I agreed to go to a friend’s place for the night. But, when the time came, he said I didn’t have to go. He said that I could stay, and he slept next to me, and let me hold him. Every night since, he’s held me, or I’ve held him. We spend all his spare time together, and we’ve kept nearly all of our routines. Sometimes, before this happened, I could get him to sleep with me, if I came on to him, but of course, that’s not happening, anymore. He’s given me one peck on the lips, and one kiss on my head (he kissed my hair, before he left for work yesterday), but otherwise, we just hug goodbye, and that sort of thing. He’s only said he loves me once, but I know he still does. It’s obvious. He still takes care of me when I’m sick. He hasn’t really reiterated his statements about us being over, since that first day, but he hasn’t taken it back either. I think he isn’t completely sure what to do. I can tell all my friends think I’m wasting my time, and that I should just let him go. I can’t. He’s my life. I know what I’d think if someone else said that, but I can’t help the way I feel. I feel like he’s the best part of me. I’ve sacrificed so much, and endured so much, to be with him, and it never mattered. He breaks promises like other people say hello and goodbye, and he’s broken my heart so badly that I didn’t know how to forgive him, but I loved him too much not to work it out. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t think we could get through anything. We’ve already been through so much. But, maybe, it’s different for him. Maybe, he can let go. But, he hasn’t yet. Officially, we’re living together so we can get our affairs in order, separate our lives and oyr finances and all that, but we haven’t really spoken in any detail about any of that in the past three weeks, either. And, there are things I would mention, if I was certain we were headed that way, but I don’t want to push towards a split, if it can be avoided at all. Obviously, I see this time as a chance to get him back. I think he wants to stay with me. If he really didn’t want me, anymore, we could find a way not to live together. Friends would take me in. He knows that. And, there’s the matter of the bed. We have another bed, and a couch. The other bed’s probably more cozy than the one we sleep on, and he sleeps next to me, every night.
RIght after he found out, it was like I’d been moving so fast for two months, I never saw any of it clearly. I knew what I was doing, but it didn’t seem real. It didn’t seem like the multi-faceted, potential disaster that it was. I was just so lost and lonely, and I felt so ugly, and unwanted, and when someone really wanted and needed me… I was just too messed up not to go with it. I’m not making excuses, but I really don’t think it would’ve happened if my head weren’t so out of control, right now. I’m not on meds, right now, and that needs to change. I wanted to kill myself when it all came out. I cut myself, and took pills, but I didn’t really try to off myself. I’ve thought about it, many times, in the past three weeks, but for now, I’m just hanging on, and hoping for the best. My world just feels so small and lonely right now. I started a group called "Depressed In The City," (trite, I know, but whatever) to try to meet other people like me, who need someone to connect with. Time to smoke… I need to turn myself down for a little while.
Cigarettes don’t really have that effect, but I smoke those, too. The price of tobacco, in Chi-town, went up, again, today. Rolling tobacco doubled in price. We starving artists had depended on being able to get Bugler for two bucks. It’s not as nice as Bali Shag, but it beats the hell out of TOP tobacco (if you call that tobacco). Now, it’s 4.50 for a package of Bugler rolling tobacco, and that’s just fucking nuts. I’m gonna have to figure something out, because I can’t afford that shit. I gave up real cigarettes years ago because of the soaring price. Now, they’re coming after my rolls. Those heartless bastards! Is nothing sacred?
Locals are poisoning entire prides of lions in Africa because the lions eat cattle. What the hell’s wrong with humanity?
A few weeks ago, I was manic, deluded, and happy. Now, I see things entirely too clearly, I’m miserable, and I bounce back and forth between wishing I was dead (like, that I’d died right after Xmas, before I wrecked my world, and Pug’s), wanting to cut myself, and just wanting to off myself.
I guess, I’ve bitched too much, already, and I should stop now.
Thinking of changing the name of the group I started to "The Wailing Wall."