Weight… not LB's…

I feel weighed down by my guilt of losing my mom to cancer last year. I still feel guilty… like I shouldve couldve wouldve.  Seeing my mom pass away before my eyes will always be an image ingrained in my mind… seeing her face, seeing her take her last breath…until the day I hopefully see her again…smiling in heaven, I pray.

It's still difficult to talk about, to think about. I have three older sisters and we are all in different stages of grief. We talk about it with each other seldomly… it just hurts too much. I tried talking to my husband about my grief, that I need help.. and he's out of town and what does he say while Im crying? "can I just text you".. thanks for all your help and concern. I wonder if he knew about the self-mutilation ive been doing if that would change his mind… but i dont do it for attention. its another thing weighing me down… i feel embarrassed by what I do but I cant stop because there's no other way to escape my emotional pain. No one knows about it… Im admitting to it because I know I need to stop.

Work went better today. I am thankful for my job but would be happier doing something else. Just doing it for the paycheck but i know there are many people unemployed trying to survive so I will not take my job for granted.

My goal tonight… no more cutting. my last episode was really bad… looks like they'll take a couple of weeks to heal and theyre too big to hide. I put band aids over them and came up with a story incase someone at work wondered about them. but thankfully, no one asked… i hid them fairly well i think. i regret doing it… they look disgusting now.

I know i need help. i have horribly anxiety and this depression has been carrying on for a year. Im trying to survive but Im losing myself… i dont feel like the same person. I pray about it.. I need to pray more….