It’s been a while since I’ve been on this site. I feel like for months I’ve been actively avoiding my problems hoping they’ll disappear, which in turn only seems to make them so much worse. That seems to be my specialty in life a this point. My 18th birthday is in a few months, August to be exact, and my anxiety about it has grown tenfold. I’ll be an adult. It seems crazy. I can’t do anything on my own, even with all my issues with my mother i don’t know how to live without her, she’s always done everything for me, a dependence I never realized I had. I know nothing, and to be completely honest i never had any intentions of actually making it this far. Some would say that’s an accomplishment, that i persevered through my troubles and came out on top but it feels like a lie. Nothing feels real but everything seems like too much. Life becomes so much sometimes i just want to go. I just want it all to stop. It’s times like that I think about my little sister, the only person who truly means something to me and to leave her would be heartbreaking. I feel like reality is crashing down on me. When others ask what i want to do, what college i want to go to (Even though I’ve technically dropped out of High School), who i want to be, I have no answers. Since I was 12 years old I never really thought 18 would ever be real, that I would live long enough to get to it. To actually think about a life, one on my own has never been something I’ve done. How can I decide my future when I’ve never truly considered living to begin with?

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